Commentary: NASCAR!!!/Understanding Hick Bros

For some, summer can be a very dry time for televised sports. Coming into summer you're just barely getting out of the awesomeness of the NBA Finals which right after - oh wait - was MARCH MADNESS. But then it gets into late June and July. Yeah, you're getting cool info about basketball trades and so on but for people like me who don't really follow baseball, what are you supposed to waste all your time watching during the day? Fear not, there is an answer: Soccer. Soccer is the sport of the world that the entire globe connects with which is very awesome and with the various tournaments and leagues it basically RUNS ALL YEAR. So there's always soccer, at least for the intelligent and worldly. But most Americans refuse to embrace this sport and turn to other...alternatives... I had the misfortune of sitting through part of one of these alternatives.

Because of the lack of giant sporting events going on in summer, stock car racing takes advantage and perplexes many into a trance of watching cars circle in loops ad nauseum. To repeat, nothing happens in this sport outside of the occasional (yet awesome) car crash. I speak, of course, of NASCAR. NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing). This is what it looks like:
Corporate America flying around a circle hundreds of times, putting you into a hypnosis of advertising and boredom. I didn't fucking get it until I realized: there's nothing to really get. People are so bored in the Midwest and South that they'll pay good money to go sit out in the summer in a hot stadium and watch cars drive - something the average American does EVERY FREAKING DAY. It's incredibly stupid, I know. Yet there are millions of NASCAR fans. Who are these people? Where do they come from? What kind of person has Dale Earnhardt, Jr posters on display where people are?

I'd like to take the time to you to introduce to a very special group of Bros. Those living on the coasts and in wealthy parts of the country are already familiar with the more run-of-the-mill standard Bro, but this other type of Bro has a distinct set of characteristics that separate him from the average douche and serve to reclassify him as a hick bro. You may know some of these people, for they are easily identified by a telltale set of characteristics:

1) Drives a truck. The truck is extremely important to a Hick Bro. The super Hick Bros will always have stickers of colleges they never attended but whose teams they obsess over and claim vicarious allegiance to such as LSU, Michigan, Notre Dame, and most prominent USC. Sometimes there will be stickers of retarded vulgarity in the rear window such as "Balls Deep" or "Powered by Deez Nuts." Very often the truck will be raised on its chassis to absurb heights to accomodate equally absurd 28' wheels. In some rare occasions, some will adorn their truck with truck balls. What are truck balls?

These are truck balls.
2) likes country music/mainstream rock in addition the traditional Bro music palate of mainstream rock and mainstream rap
3) Is subtly/overtly racist. This comes natural to the Hick Bro via his hick racist parents.
4) LOVES 'MURICA!!!!!!!!!!!
5) Owns, uses, and likes talking about guns
6) Hates the gays

If somebody you know has 3 or more of these characteristics in their personality, there's a good chance this person is a hick bro and must be dealt with caution. They are not like you and I. They are the remnants of a very old group of Americans that we're all familiar with. Hick bros can trace their ancestry to this fellow right here:
The Cowboy (As seen in Clovis, CA)

A brief summation of what cowboys actually were: Cowboys came into existence after the Civil War after Confederate soldiers who were all now out of work when their rebellion (oops) failed. To find work, many became cattle hands into the rapidly settling Midwest and Southwest. The cowboy is thus inherently a southerner - a key to understanding the Hick Bro. The cowboys were a simple people and liked 3 things: 1) cows and horses 2) drinking 3) racism. They also loved guns and were fiercely loyal to their country except for the crazies (see Georgia and Mississippi state flag). Due to time spent on horses herding cows, they developed a keen interest in being able to own and ride fast horses. They fucking loved these things. A horse to a cowboy is like a cross between an ATV, a raised truck with giant wheels, and a girlfriend to today's hick bro. As horses gave way to cars, the cowboy - now beginning his evolution towards hick bro - began an interest with cars. Fastforward 100 years and boom: NASCAR

Notable Hick Bros. Hick Bros don't only enjoy NASCAR, but also other sports popular in the South and Midwest. These are just some of the more famous Hick Bros that you might be familiar with.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - NASCAR
Jeff Burton - NASCAR
Peyton Manning - QB Indianapolis Colts
Eli Manning - QB NY Giants
Pat Hill - Head Coach Fresno State Bulldogs

Tim Tebow - QB Florida Gators