The NFL 1st Quarter Report: NFC

Best Offensive Player: Brett Favre – Believe me, I hate admitting it as much as you hate hearing it. Drew Brees may have better numbers but I need to give Favre his credit for engineering the win over San Francisco and simply sticking it to the Packers. Adrian Peterson may be the exciting young star. But Brett’s the seasoned veteran moving the chains and making the plays in crunch time. He even laid a block (although effectively after the play was over) into Patrick Willis after completing a pass.



Best Defensive Player: Patrick Willis – This is what Jesus would play like if he were a middle linebacker. He sacks, returns interception for touchdowns and runs down opposing receivers who’ve beaten their coverage. He’s built like a defensive end, fast as a halfback, and as agile as a cornerback. Teams don’t plan for the 49er defense, teams plan for Patrick Willis.

Most Surprising Team (In a Good Way): San Francisco 49ers – Their offense may not be much to look at, especially with Frank Gore injured. But their defense has more than made up for it ranking 2nd overall in yards allowed per game. And now that MC Hammer finally convinced Michael Crabtree to sign a contract, the receiving corps has a bright future. I mean yeah that kind of contact bull indicates potential attitude problems in the future, but when was the last time the 49ers drafted a talented receiver with an attitude problem? …oh yeah.

Most Surprising Team (In a Bad Way): Arizona Cardinals – Oh how the mighty have fallen. Granted they’re just 1 – 2, but still that their once fabled offense has sputtered serves as a hard reminder that teams need to be able to run the ball too. I’m surprised Kurt Warner’s grandkids haven’t told him its time to retire.

Disgustingly Early Playoff Picture (Yeah I’ll admit it, this section was created solely on the off chance that if I get these right I look like a freaking genius; and if not, hell, its only been 4 weeks.)

lookin’ good…

Minnesota – I may hate Brett Favre but I have to admit this team has an exciting offense. I can only imagine how happy management must be that Tarvaris Jackson isn’t their quarterback right now.

New Orleans – Back in 2006 I’m sure plenty of people predicted New Orleans would have a top tier offense by this time. Though I’m not sure how many predicted it would be top tier despite Reggie Bush turning out to be worthless.

New York – I’m dubbing the Giants the San Antonio Spurs of football so far this season. The play well and win, and no one doubts they’re a great team. But its just that they’re not all that interesting to watch.

San Francisco – They’re in this category because of their division (weak) and because I’m biased (obscenely). Not to mention they exhibit a lockdown defense headed Patrick Willis, a man known for sacking quarterbacks simply by staring at them from the other side of the line of scrimmage.


battling it out…

Atlanta – Their next four games are brutal with the first being a road game against the resurgent 49ers. Matt Ryan has developed quickly but will need a lot more help from the running game if the Falcons are to make it to mid-November with a shot at the postseason.

Chicago – For me, the jury’s still out on Jay Cutler. It’s not that his first game in Chicago was god-awful, it’s because his picture on Yahoo Sports looks like a DUI mugshot. Maybe it’s just me.

Dallas – Apparently $1.2 billion can buy you a stadium, but not a good football team, or a quarterback who knows what down it is. Oh, Romo.

Philadelphia – Philly worries me. I like the Eagles, but I’m not sure they have the whole healthy thing down yet. The bad part is their shot at the postseason depends on it. However if this team can pull together and show enough heart I’ll pick them for the playoffs. As we all know it’s not the size of the dog in the fight…but whether or not Vick kills the dog. Whatever, you knew it was coming.



Tomorrow: The AFC First Quarter Report

Favre bringeth the Sanchez. Thanks a-hole

We've started pre-season NFL now, heading into the three day cornucopia of wonders that football brings fall: Friday night high school football, Saturday college football, Sunday-Monday NFL. Normally I would be beside myself with happiness having so much incredible televised entertainment to gorge myself with, but this season a big red flag waves over my excitement, particularly my NFL excitement.

His name is Mark Sanchez (known among some circles as The Dirty Sanchez). U$C's offensive powerhouse, now a Jet. Ugh...

My parents are both from Jersey and I grew up watching Jets football. I remember the glory days of Vinnie Testaverde. I remember learning how to say the word Testaverde. Since Testaverde, things haven't gone exceptionally well for the Jets. We had Chad Pennington as a solid backup who gracefully transitioned into Testaverde's successor after his retirement. Pennington was a solid QB who we were developing into a promising offensive weapon until....The Farve Experiment.

Before I got into how much I have grown to hate Brett Farve and lose any cohesiveness left in this post, let me say the following remarks just to get them out of my system. Brett Farve is a football legend who completely fucked up his legacy. I have infinite respect for this man. Some of my favorite sports memories came from the heydey of the 49ers - Packers/Steve Young - Brett Farve rivalry. Despite the fact I was a staunch SF fan (still am, come on 49ers...give me something to root for...) I had complete respect for #4. His legend and austerity are virtually unparallelled, putting him alongside sports greats like Michael Jordan, Jackie Robinson (UCLA alum bitches), Tiger Woods, et. al. And he ruined this austerity by coming out of retirement and playing for the Jets. Granted, I was pretty happy about it. I mean, the Jets were getting fucking Brett Farve!! While the rest of the country was like snarf snarf hrmmmm Farve coming back hrrmm snarf I was nodding my head while being stoked on delusions like Brett Farve leading the Jets to the Super Bowl. We all know how this story ended. Farve 'retired' and left a vacancy for the Jets at QB. Enter Mark Sanchez.

I have no idea how to feel about this. I loathe everything $C produces on principle of course, but now one of their stars is playing for the Jets - my oldest NFL team. It's forcing me to admit things like Mark Sanchez is actually a good quarterback that might turn the Jets around. But now when NFL highlights flash on Sportscenter, I'm going to have to take pleasure in Sanchez going 14-20 for 400 yds and 2 TDs. I don't know I can reconcile this. It's going to take me years to see Sanchez as a Jet. And what pisses me off more than anything is the fact that this unfortunate/fortunate happening in Jets football was brought to you courtesy of the imposition of Brett Farve. Without Farve, we would have had Pennington who is beating some serious ass these days over in Miami. With Weeks 1 - 12 Farve, we would have seen the Jets in the Superbowl in a couple of years. Instead we get the worst case scenario: a shitty Brett Farve, the loss of Pennington, and the arrival of the Dirty Sanchez. Thanks Brett. Now that you've pissed off the whole state of New York and the rest of the NFL, at least you can retire peacefully in Green Bay where the whole city worships you as a god. It's not like you did anything to ruin your legacy there. It's not like you came out of retirement to play for a rival team. I mean, the Jets and the Packers have no beef, so its all good. It's not like you came out of retirement to play for the Vikings or anything.

Oh wait.