The NFL 1st Quarter Report: AFC

Best Offensive Player: Peyton Manning - I’m eventually going to get tired of saying this, but Peyton’s playing at an MVP level. As if he could smell his brother getting more publicity for winning a more recent Super Bowl, he’s made everyone remember who the better Manning is so far this year. I’d say the Colts have won 4 games this year, but they haven’t. Peyton Manning has won 4 games this year.

Best Defensive Player: Elvis Dumervil – He may not lead the league in tackles but 8 sacks in 4 games is nothing to shake your nose at, whatever that means. That he has those sacks along with 17 tackles for the league’s leading defense is pretty impressive too. Ever wonder why opposing quarterbacks have been useless against Denver so far this year? Its because they know odds are this linebacker will materialize out of nowhere and put all of his 260 lbs. directly into their spleen twice each game. How many touchdown passes have been made against Denver this year? Oh yeah, none.

Most Surprising Team (In a good way): Denver Broncos – Yeah, I have no idea either. Maybe it’s training at that high altitude, maybe its new head coach Josh McDaniels, or maybe its just a boatload of steroids but no matter what caused it, the Broncos have definitely taken a big step in the right direction this year. Their defense is leading the league and somehow Kyle Orton hasn’t thrown a pick yet. Impressive to say the least.

Most Surprising Team (In a not so good way): Tennessee Titans – Well their talent level finally caught up with them. Kerry Collins I’m really just looking in your direction though. Vince Young may never be the stud he was at Texas but considering the alternative I think he deserves another chance.

Current Playoff Picture:

Lookin’ good

Denver – Who knew all they had to do was trade Jay Cutler and shaft Mike Shanahan? From the looks of things, those two must have been in cahoots in sabotaging last year’s defense. The broncos went from having the worst scoring defense in their conference last year, to the best this year.

Indianapolis – I’ll be brief since I’m done talking about anything related to Peyton Manning. Not too shabby Colts, none too shabby at all.

battling it out…



Baltimore – Joe Flacco may look like an inflated version of Eddie Munster but the man can throw. Considering how far their defense got them last year the Raven’s are a legit playoff threat this year. The only thing Baltimore has to worry about now is the team getting so good that they can afford to leave for a better city.

Cincinnati – How a team won at New England one weekend and then lost to St. Louis at home the next is beyond me. That’s really the only reason they’re on here. I guess unpredictability can work for then.

Jacksonville – Maurice Jones-Drew has yet to reach his true potential as an offensive weapon but his next two games are against teams with rush defenses in the bottom half of the league. Look for him to be the main reason they go into their bye week 4-2. And everyone thought Reggie Bush would be the best running back in the 2006 draft…tisk tisk.

New England – I miss the “Brady to Moss” 2007 season, back when the Pats would crave up opposing pass coverage schemes like a turkey on Thanksgiving Day.

New York Jets – I don’t people who have gone U$C, but I do like people who’ve pissed off Pete Carroll. That Mark Sanchez has done both has put me in a bit of a pickle although I have to say I’m pulling for him. Nothing on Stafford but my money’s on Sanchez being the best Quarterback taken in the 2009 draft.

Pittsburgh – Provided Troy Polamalu can get healthy soon the Steelers can make a solid turnaround and do some damage in the AFC North. Ben Rothliswhatver finally has the stats to back up the hype he gets (sort of) but without Polamalu their fabled defense turned to a feeble one awfully fast for the defending Super Bowl champion.

The NFL 1st Quarter Report: NFC

Best Offensive Player: Brett Favre – Believe me, I hate admitting it as much as you hate hearing it. Drew Brees may have better numbers but I need to give Favre his credit for engineering the win over San Francisco and simply sticking it to the Packers. Adrian Peterson may be the exciting young star. But Brett’s the seasoned veteran moving the chains and making the plays in crunch time. He even laid a block (although effectively after the play was over) into Patrick Willis after completing a pass.



Best Defensive Player: Patrick Willis – This is what Jesus would play like if he were a middle linebacker. He sacks, returns interception for touchdowns and runs down opposing receivers who’ve beaten their coverage. He’s built like a defensive end, fast as a halfback, and as agile as a cornerback. Teams don’t plan for the 49er defense, teams plan for Patrick Willis.

Most Surprising Team (In a Good Way): San Francisco 49ers – Their offense may not be much to look at, especially with Frank Gore injured. But their defense has more than made up for it ranking 2nd overall in yards allowed per game. And now that MC Hammer finally convinced Michael Crabtree to sign a contract, the receiving corps has a bright future. I mean yeah that kind of contact bull indicates potential attitude problems in the future, but when was the last time the 49ers drafted a talented receiver with an attitude problem? …oh yeah.

Most Surprising Team (In a Bad Way): Arizona Cardinals – Oh how the mighty have fallen. Granted they’re just 1 – 2, but still that their once fabled offense has sputtered serves as a hard reminder that teams need to be able to run the ball too. I’m surprised Kurt Warner’s grandkids haven’t told him its time to retire.

Disgustingly Early Playoff Picture (Yeah I’ll admit it, this section was created solely on the off chance that if I get these right I look like a freaking genius; and if not, hell, its only been 4 weeks.)

lookin’ good…

Minnesota – I may hate Brett Favre but I have to admit this team has an exciting offense. I can only imagine how happy management must be that Tarvaris Jackson isn’t their quarterback right now.

New Orleans – Back in 2006 I’m sure plenty of people predicted New Orleans would have a top tier offense by this time. Though I’m not sure how many predicted it would be top tier despite Reggie Bush turning out to be worthless.

New York – I’m dubbing the Giants the San Antonio Spurs of football so far this season. The play well and win, and no one doubts they’re a great team. But its just that they’re not all that interesting to watch.

San Francisco – They’re in this category because of their division (weak) and because I’m biased (obscenely). Not to mention they exhibit a lockdown defense headed Patrick Willis, a man known for sacking quarterbacks simply by staring at them from the other side of the line of scrimmage.


battling it out…

Atlanta – Their next four games are brutal with the first being a road game against the resurgent 49ers. Matt Ryan has developed quickly but will need a lot more help from the running game if the Falcons are to make it to mid-November with a shot at the postseason.

Chicago – For me, the jury’s still out on Jay Cutler. It’s not that his first game in Chicago was god-awful, it’s because his picture on Yahoo Sports looks like a DUI mugshot. Maybe it’s just me.

Dallas – Apparently $1.2 billion can buy you a stadium, but not a good football team, or a quarterback who knows what down it is. Oh, Romo.

Philadelphia – Philly worries me. I like the Eagles, but I’m not sure they have the whole healthy thing down yet. The bad part is their shot at the postseason depends on it. However if this team can pull together and show enough heart I’ll pick them for the playoffs. As we all know it’s not the size of the dog in the fight…but whether or not Vick kills the dog. Whatever, you knew it was coming.



Tomorrow: The AFC First Quarter Report

Most Ridiculous Coaches

This week, we have decided to discuss who the most ridiculous coaches are. Here is the video of Jeremy and I discussing it. Please VOTE below for who you think deserves this.

Who is the Most Ridiculous Coach?

Jim Mora Sr.

Herm Edwards

Dennis Green

Bob Knight

John Chaney

Tim Floyd

Dan Hawkins

Mike Gundy

Lane Kiffin

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What do you get when you mix NFL players, Sobe, and computer animation?

Ok, first things first. I think it’s a perfectly normal and okay thing for any professional athlete who can secure endorsement deals to do so. Who am I to say, “Hey, buddy, do you really need to sign that urinal cake contract? Because I think you can pay for your pool without having millions of guys pissing all over your smiling face.” This is America, the land were product placement was perfected and corporate sponsorship pumps through the veins of many of our fine institutions. But a line has to be drawn somewhere and on the other side of that line is the Sobe commercial starring Ray Lewis, Matt Light, and Justin Tuck that aired during Super Bowl XLIII.

You might remember this commercial as the one where Lewis, Light, and Tuck start off doing ballet to Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake but then quickly dazzle us with their crunk moves when a lizard of sorts tastes a bit of Sobe Lifewater. I got nothing wrong with pro American football players exercising their rights to pirouette in front of America, in fact, I think it’s hilarious. They’re especially funny when they dance, which is all the time. What makes this commercial so ridiculous for me is that I just don’t understand what they were trying to go for here. Maybe Sobe really wanted to get their name out and what better venue is there than the Super Bowl? Still, the commercial is so absurd! Watch it and let your brain me assailed by the strangeness of it all! Why Ray!? Why’d you have to go and be turned into a lizard like that? Do you even like Sobe Lifewater? And why the hell are there characters from that movie I didn’t see in here!? WTF?!?!