cuz that's what I want to talk about...basketball

Its summer, the draft is over, the off season is in full swing and given that baseball is the only thing in TV I need a basketball break. You’re a baseball fan? Oh me too. Its just I can't watch full games since they actually started doing something about steroids. I swear baseball was so much more interesting when I was a kid.

Atlanta: You know you miss Speedy Claxton. I don’t care how bad he is, that’s a name built for professional sports.

Boston: Its comforting to know that a city with 4 premier sports teams each competing for a championship won’t win a single one this year. Don't let me down Red Sox.

Charlotte: Michael Jordan could dunk from the free throw line. Still can’t run a team though.

Chicago: After that first round series against Boston I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch the Bulls again without being let down.

Cleveland: Rumor has it they’re opening vs. Boston aaaaaand playing the Lakers on Christmas, let the hype-storm begin.

Dallas: The release of several documents is shedding light on the Mark Cuban – Don Nelson feud. Too bad I hate Cuban anyway and won’t be reading them.

Denver: Best offseason move so far, acquiring Arron Afflalo (on the right). Hands down.

Detroit: Worst offseason move so far, giving him up.

Golden State: The good is news that Anthony Randolph is finally coming into his own. Now if only Don Nelson would spend more time teaching defense and less time petitioning David Stern to switch the NBA regular season to the summer months.

Houston: Trevor Ariza, yeah that’s a step up from Artest.

Indiana: No one said anything about all the white guys 'til them chose Hansbrough. But seriously do they know something we don’t?

LA Clippers: Hey Blake at least you’re living in Los Angeles.

LA Lakers: Ron Artest shows his displeasure at having to compete for minutes with yet another high caliber player by punching three children watching him play a pickup game. Los Angeles forgives him immediately.

Memphis: They have some solid young players in OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay and a promising post presence with Gasol and Thabeet. Unfortunately this is all negated by the fact that these players play for the Memphis Grizzlies.

Miami: Dwayne Wade, unhappy with Miami’s consistent inability to surround him with some talent opts to sell trademarked band-aids until his contract runs out.

Milwaukee: Best player on the Bucks in 5 years…Luc Richard M’bah a Moute. You heard it first from me.

Minnesota: Why is Ricky Rubio in American commercials already? He might not even play next year. Unacceptable.

New Jersey: Just think Nets staff and players. In one year you can move from that dump New Jersey to scenic Brooklyn (on the right)!

New Orleans: Traded number 2 overall pick who never fully developed for Charlotte’s slightly younger number 2 overall pick that never fully developed. The shockwaves running through the NBA are still being felt.

New York: Quit your complaining about the Knicks, the Yankees are tearing it up. Count your blessings.

Oklahoma City: I love this team’s young players. But seriously…Oklahoma?

Orlando: Stan Van Gundy predicts the Magic will win the Championship before remembering Vince Carter turns 33 next season…and that the Magic play in Orlando.

Philadelphia: Should’ve stayed at UCLA Jrue, I’m just saying.

Phoenix: My advice to Steve Nash, get your money from Vita-Water before everyone realizes its slightly flavored tap water with questionable health benefits. I still don’t understand why people buy that stuff.

Portland: The future’s bright, provided Oden doesn’t reveal that his middle name is Kwame.

Sacramento: This one goes out to every Warriors fan…who became a Kings fan who then deserted them when the Warriors made the second round of the playoffs in 2007…fuck you. I’ve been waiting 2 years to say that. Cheers.

San Antonio: It sure must be nice to be a team from Texas not dependent on an aging go-to big man.

Toronto: They still play basketball in Canada? I thought they only slaved for their evil public health care system.

Utah: I know this is beating a dead horse but seriously how often do you actually hear jazz in Salt Lake City?

Washington: I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking…give Obama the ball.

A New Way to Punish NBA Players

Society loves discipline. Sports leagues love discipline. The NBA really loves discipline. The NBA (along with other leagues) has always loved giving players, coaches, and Mark Cuban monetary punishments for any infraction to league rules. Some cases however, require more than just a "symbolic" punshiment of a fine and that's where suspensions come to play. While such action may derail a player's ability to buy a new hooker or a yacht (or even their playing careers, god forbid), most of the time they end up helping out a player's "street cred". This then creates a problem because more cred could actually lead to more endorsments as various corporations look to exploite the average men and women of the world. How should David Stern and the NBA solve this problem? The answer is easy. Simply put, short shorts. Not since John Stockton (pictured above) retired in 2003 had we been able to see another basketball players hairy thighs on a consistant basis (luckily retro days happen once in a blue moon). There is nothing more painful for a guy's street-cred then having to don skin tight short shorts in the 21st century. Nothing screams "homeboy" like a pair of baggy shorts, and nothing screams "goofy white guy living in the 1980's" like short shorts. Therefore, in addition to making players pay a few grand for bad behavior (it's a rough economy, the league needs the bling), the commish should also impose a short shorts sanction the said player for however many games he deems neccessary.
But wait, what if he really wants to suspend him? Well, have him sit on the bench, suited up in short shorts, but not allowed to be entered into the game or the scorecard. If a kid in Harlem was watching a game after the Malice in the Palace in 2004, with Ron Artest sitting on the bench in short shorts, would that kid say to himself "Wow! This guy is a badass?", No. Rather, that kid would laugh, and think that Artest is a pathetic joke. Here you go Commissioner Stern, another fun, entertaining, and useful way to discipline your players.

Commentary: NASCAR!!!/Understanding Hick Bros

For some, summer can be a very dry time for televised sports. Coming into summer you're just barely getting out of the awesomeness of the NBA Finals which right after - oh wait - was MARCH MADNESS. But then it gets into late June and July. Yeah, you're getting cool info about basketball trades and so on but for people like me who don't really follow baseball, what are you supposed to waste all your time watching during the day? Fear not, there is an answer: Soccer. Soccer is the sport of the world that the entire globe connects with which is very awesome and with the various tournaments and leagues it basically RUNS ALL YEAR. So there's always soccer, at least for the intelligent and worldly. But most Americans refuse to embrace this sport and turn to other...alternatives... I had the misfortune of sitting through part of one of these alternatives.

Because of the lack of giant sporting events going on in summer, stock car racing takes advantage and perplexes many into a trance of watching cars circle in loops ad nauseum. To repeat, nothing happens in this sport outside of the occasional (yet awesome) car crash. I speak, of course, of NASCAR. NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing). This is what it looks like:
Corporate America flying around a circle hundreds of times, putting you into a hypnosis of advertising and boredom. I didn't fucking get it until I realized: there's nothing to really get. People are so bored in the Midwest and South that they'll pay good money to go sit out in the summer in a hot stadium and watch cars drive - something the average American does EVERY FREAKING DAY. It's incredibly stupid, I know. Yet there are millions of NASCAR fans. Who are these people? Where do they come from? What kind of person has Dale Earnhardt, Jr posters on display where people are?

I'd like to take the time to you to introduce to a very special group of Bros. Those living on the coasts and in wealthy parts of the country are already familiar with the more run-of-the-mill standard Bro, but this other type of Bro has a distinct set of characteristics that separate him from the average douche and serve to reclassify him as a hick bro. You may know some of these people, for they are easily identified by a telltale set of characteristics:

1) Drives a truck. The truck is extremely important to a Hick Bro. The super Hick Bros will always have stickers of colleges they never attended but whose teams they obsess over and claim vicarious allegiance to such as LSU, Michigan, Notre Dame, and most prominent USC. Sometimes there will be stickers of retarded vulgarity in the rear window such as "Balls Deep" or "Powered by Deez Nuts." Very often the truck will be raised on its chassis to absurb heights to accomodate equally absurd 28' wheels. In some rare occasions, some will adorn their truck with truck balls. What are truck balls?

These are truck balls.
2) likes country music/mainstream rock in addition the traditional Bro music palate of mainstream rock and mainstream rap
3) Is subtly/overtly racist. This comes natural to the Hick Bro via his hick racist parents.
4) LOVES 'MURICA!!!!!!!!!!!
5) Owns, uses, and likes talking about guns
6) Hates the gays

If somebody you know has 3 or more of these characteristics in their personality, there's a good chance this person is a hick bro and must be dealt with caution. They are not like you and I. They are the remnants of a very old group of Americans that we're all familiar with. Hick bros can trace their ancestry to this fellow right here:
The Cowboy (As seen in Clovis, CA)

A brief summation of what cowboys actually were: Cowboys came into existence after the Civil War after Confederate soldiers who were all now out of work when their rebellion (oops) failed. To find work, many became cattle hands into the rapidly settling Midwest and Southwest. The cowboy is thus inherently a southerner - a key to understanding the Hick Bro. The cowboys were a simple people and liked 3 things: 1) cows and horses 2) drinking 3) racism. They also loved guns and were fiercely loyal to their country except for the crazies (see Georgia and Mississippi state flag). Due to time spent on horses herding cows, they developed a keen interest in being able to own and ride fast horses. They fucking loved these things. A horse to a cowboy is like a cross between an ATV, a raised truck with giant wheels, and a girlfriend to today's hick bro. As horses gave way to cars, the cowboy - now beginning his evolution towards hick bro - began an interest with cars. Fastforward 100 years and boom: NASCAR

Notable Hick Bros. Hick Bros don't only enjoy NASCAR, but also other sports popular in the South and Midwest. These are just some of the more famous Hick Bros that you might be familiar with.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - NASCAR
Jeff Burton - NASCAR
Peyton Manning - QB Indianapolis Colts
Eli Manning - QB NY Giants
Pat Hill - Head Coach Fresno State Bulldogs

Tim Tebow - QB Florida Gators

Overrated Spotlight

The inaugural post of someone that I feel gets way to much credit for his work in his profession is none other than Roy Williams, head coach of the University of Carolina Tar Heels (in men's basketball, but you should know that). Before I state my case, I would like to say that in my opinion he is a very, very good coach and definitely one of the best in college basketball. However, he still gets way too much credit and is seen in too much of a godly fashion. It could be my hate of the over-hyped ACC, but the numbers do not really lie. Here they are:

McDonald’s All-Americans: 14 (Kansas) + 15 (UNC) = 29
Years to 1st NC: 17
Total Years coaching: 21
Final Fours: 6
Total NC’s: 2
Winning Record: 594 – 138 (.811)
1st Round draft picks: 7 (90’s) + 9 (2000’s) = 16

While the winning percentage and two national championships are impressive, lets consider the rest of the data. He has had over 1 All-American per recruiting class, which is a boatload of talent. Secondly, it took him seventeen years to finally cut the nets at the Final Four, while he coached at two of the biggest basketball powerhouses ever. Also, although reaching six F4's is quite impressive, when you coach at schools like KU and UNC and got great "left-over" players, that number should be higher. Also, the Big-12 never had another traditionally respected program. The closest you can get is Texas or maybe Oklahoma State. The last Big-12 (or its previous incarnations) team to win it all before Coach Williams took over in 1988 at KU was well, KU right before he took over. Other than that, Oklahoma State won it in the 1940's. Lastly, he clearly is not that good of an actual coach because his total first round draft picks are almost half of the amount of All-Americans he had. Yes, he is a good coach, he recruits well, and has won, but with so much tradition and talent, his accomplishments do not really merit a Hall of Fame induction (which he got prior to his last two F4's and second NC).

The Hilarity of Twitter

Last week the football (soccer) world was partially shocked when reports resurfaced about Zlatan Ibrahimovic, or iBrah, transferring to FC Barcelona. Rather, it was about how he was pulling a Manny Ramirez and forcing a move from his Italian side Inter Milan. Where did multiple international publications get this news from? His twitter account, duh! For me this whole twitter thing was a new thing considering I just got an account, but for the past year twitter and sports have gone hand in hand thanks to the likes of Shaq, Kevin Love, Charlie Villanueva, Chad Ochocinco, and more. Since it is summer and my weekends are laid back, I spent multiple hours last Saturday browsing through these athletes' tweets and here are some notable ones I would like to share even if they have nothing to do with sports (my response is in bold):

Kevin Love: Finally got to vegas...Why's it so hot (Oh I don't know, maybe because it’s the desert in July???)

Andre Iguodala: Rudy outfit fly tho, he would get best dressed if it wasn't for those nuthuggers...(Great to know NBA players have become such fashion critiques, no homo?)

Dennis Rodman: Oh Canada!(finally a place where you will be accepted Dennis)

Steven Gerrard: Other news. glen is a great bloke... (Great use of the word "bloke", well done Stevie G)

David Beckham: I'm not following anyone because... Will my "following" make any sense? (You area a true poet Mr. Beckham)

Lessons to be learned from Pac-10 Schools

Arizona: It’s all relative, just because your neighbor sucks, doesn’t mean you are good! Who hasn’t heard an Arizona fan bash ASU and their JC status? But… isn’t UofA where a lot of kids from California go once they get rejected from a respectable UC? Not so GREAT now are we? If that’s not enough, they are the only school in the conference to never make it to a Rose Bowl (they joined the PAC in 1978).

ASU: Be an accepting human being! According to Yahoo!’s education section, ASU’s most recent admission rate on shows over 80% of applicants got accepted! Yay!

Cal: Just because you are the older brother doesn’t mean everyone wants you and that you are better! A common fact Cal alums/fans love to say is how they go to the greatest public school and UC ever. Well, if it is so great, how is it that it gets over 10,000 less applicants annually compared to “little brother” UCLA? Not to mention their claim at athletic “success”. When was the last time they played in Pasadena in January or won the NCAA basketball tournament? That’s right, half a century ago (that means fifty years for you Trojans readers). Smaller sports “success”? They are well behind UCLA, Stanford, and U$C in NC’s (about 50+ less than the U$C).How about academically? Well, they have an amazing engineering program, but other than that nothing is that much better than their public rivals. Oh, and how is it that their admittance rate is higher than UCLA’s over the past decade? Hmm… not so “golden” are we Bears?

Oregon: Love all your children and mentees because one day one will make you rich! If there is one really good thing UO has going for itself is having millions (if not more) rolling to the school from uber-rich alum Phil Knight. The downside to having essentially one very influential alum? He makes you wear really awkward ugly uniforms.

Oregon State: Never name anything that is remotely close to a sexual innuendo! It is pretty safe to say when most people think of OSU, they think about their mascot, the Beaver. Do you want to go through life being closely tied to something that also represents a reproductive organ?

Stanford: Money does not equal to success (or love)! Sure, Stanford’s athletic program has the 2^nd most NCAA NC’s but they have been around since the mid 1800’s. If Stanford wants a new stadium or facility it will get it, and soon. Has any other school built a brand new stadium in 9 months? Well, only if the fans took notice and bothered showing up to watch a game…

USC: As long as you know the right people, you can break the rules all you want! Let’s see, they have been involved in endless cheating scandals, arrests, dirty money resources for athletes, and have never really been punished. If I was to elaborate, it will take about half my day, sorry.

Washington: If possible, stay at home! UDub has good teams that do well in general, but it seems like they almost never lose in Seattle. Maybe their fans scare opposing players, maybe the refs, who knows. It is something to take note of.

Washington State: Location, Location, Location! Sure Wazzu has had some nice moments in sports and maybe a couple in academia, but how much better would the school have been off had it not been established in Pullman?

Wait a second, where is UCLA on this list you might ask? Well, I will admit that it is quite difficult to critique my own fine higher education institution, so that’s open ended for anyone who wishes to take a crack at it (I will challenge if needed).