Mascot Wars Round 1: San Diego State Aztecs - Mighty warriors or just...#2?

A few weeks ago, I did a very special write up about a very special bear. Seeing all the controversy and angry Cal fans sputtering about, I decided to make this a recurring event featuring the opposing mascot before each game to make [insert rival here] all upset and make UCLA fans laugh with glee. Without further ado I give you: The Aztec Warrior.

Couple things I'd like to address here. First I give you a brief summary of who the Aztecs were and why there are no more Aztecs. The Aztec were an advanced Mesoamerican civilization in a what is now modern day Mexico. Their capital, Tenochtitlan, is the site of present day Mexico City. The were a violent and warlike people, enslaving many inferior tribes surrounding them, creating a true empire in the modern sense. They were extremely violent: they killed, worshipped the sun, sacrificed humans, ate hearts, and probably trafficked drugs to the United States. Not much changes with time, does it? Anyway, all was super in Aztec land for a while - the sun worshipping was going well, Aztec chefs had successfully popularized and commercialized the human heart frappuchino, slaves were a-toiling building massive temples, head dresses were hitting the fashion scene - until white man showed up. With a handful of rifles, horses, and iron body armor the Spanish strolled in to Tenochtitlan and politely asked for all their duckets (gold coins for you non-history majors/rappers). This was essentially a stick-up. Business-economics had clearly gone way over the heads of Moctezuma and pals (a trend that continues to this day with the modern SDSU Aztec), because the first rule of business is: when somebody points a gun at you, especially when your civilization hasn't invented guns yet, you give the gun-holders what they're asking for and hope they don't take the Lexus too. Having been rudely denied, Cortez and co. decided to unleash the guns, hordes of oppressed indiginous Mexicans, and smallpox (FTW!) and with that, the Aztecs were totally crushed. The violent and drug filled world of the Aztecs had been temporarily suppressed, temporarily being the key word. Fast forward 500 years and modern day Mexico is totally at peace...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Aztecs, being an adaptive and spiteful people, decided that they would leave their mark on the world for all to know and remember them by. Being bested primarily due to the white man's smallpox (FTW!) which of course, marks the individual with white pox, the Aztecs cooked up a colon-counterattack. Their mark, their color, their lasting insignia was to be a brown one. I speak of course of Moctezuma's Revenge. This is a disease that makes you poop yourself silly, often staining your undergarments and creating the need for fresh ones. According to www.endonurse.com, this "[Aztec black magick] begin[s] abruptly. The illness usually results in increased frequency, volume, and weight of stool. (stool means poop btw) Altered stool consistency also is common. Typically, a traveler experiences four to five loose or watery bowel movements (this means mad shits, like, worse than the worst beer shits) each day." All around pretty gross. Ineffective I might add. While smallpox wiped out a whole civilization, Moctezuma's Revenge only causes mild to moderate discomfort and many trips to the john. Not exactly the scariest disease but perhaps the funniest. I raise my glass to you, fallen Aztecs, for creating the shittiest disease ever as your..erm, revenge.

Sometimes Moctezuma's Revenge strikes at the worst possible time. This disease is a fickle one and knows no friends or foes. Sometimes it strikes friends. Case in point:
Here you will observe an SDSU Aztec portraying an ancient Aztec. Quaint, I know. I draw your attention to a few points.
1) Note the grimace in the face. Looks like he's holding something back, and I don't think its a "gooooooo Aztecs!"
2) Legs closely positioned together. For maximum clenching power
3) Shield at waist level. What better device than a shield to mask a great embarrassment? Also doubles as a shallow collection plate.

Finally, I'd like to make one generalization about the Aztec mascot. Whether you think the mascot is badass, or a legionnaire of the portapotty like I do, at the end of the day the Aztec is a pretty racist mascot. I mean, come on SDSU, racism is schism, ya know? You should have picked something local and still indicative of your culture like Shamoo, or a pot leaf, or gonorrhea. No racism problems. Recently I sat down with Joe Bruin to ask his thoughts about the racist Aztec mascot.

RJ: So Joe, a lot of people are concerned that the choice of mascot - Aztec - at SDSU subjectifies ancestral Mexicans into a subhuman figure. What are you thoughts on the issue?
Joe Bruin: I couldn't agree more RJ. Whether we like it or not, Aztecs were once human beings as well yet we allow them to become subhuman symbols for a mediocre university. It's not like we have teams like 'the Scots-Irish hooligans' or 'the Italian mobsters.' That stereotype is demeaning to those cultures, why do we allow it to happen to minority cultures?
RJ: Very insightful Joe. So no race issues when you were asked to become the mascot for UCLA were there?
Joe Bruin: Fuck no! I was all, wait, I get to be the mascot at UCLA? I get to chew up Trojans and slaughter their innocents? Sign me the fuck up!

Ahhh, college football. I'm happy you're back. It brings out the best in us. GO BRUINS!!!