Mascot Wars Round 4: Stanford Tree - "???"

I apologize to the avid RJS readership out there that I missed round 3 on the Kansas State Wildcats. However, you can look forward to my post on the University of Arizona which conveniently has the same mascot. Without further ado - The Stanford Cardinal/Tree/huh?

Most real schools have a mascot which is clearly defined and usually serves as the school's nickname and symbol. Sometimes they draw on a local or national symbol of pride (Cal Bears) or based on the attitude, values, and general makeup of the campus population (UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs). But in the case of the wannabe Ivy League member Stanford, no such mascot exists. But wait, what about the Cardinal you ask? The Cardinal is the school's official nickname but has nothing to do with a the bird the cardinal. What about the Tree? According to Stanford's official athletic website:

The Mascot: There is no official mascot at Stanford University. The "Tree," which is a member of the Stanford Band, is representative of El Palo Alto, the Redwood tree which is the logo of the city of Palo Alto. Since Stanford University and Palo Alto are almost inextricably intertwined in interests and location, it is a natural outgrowth of this relationship. The tree still exists and stands by the railroad bridge beside San Francisquito Creek – it is the site where early explorers first camped when settling the area.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight then. So you're telling me you have no mascot, yet you let a dancing Sequoiadendron giganteum prance about on national television and allow it to be the public face of your University, yet you don't want to claim it as your official mascot. Your reasoning is that it's just a member of the Stanford band and that it doesn't officially represent your school. Hmm. Why's that? Could it be the soiled past you've had with your Tree?

Admittedly, that soiled past is kind of funny in a dark, sadistic, and immature way. Let's look at a few of the highlights of this illustrious Tree and band:

September 30, 2009: A Cal Senior, a Cal alumni, and some other Bay area whack all dressed up as lumbermen assaulted the Stanford tree after a Cal - Stanford women's volleyball game. Apparently these guys ran up to the tree, stole some leaves, tripped a cop, and ran off drunkenly into the night. They were booked on battery, resisting arrest, and for possession of a locking knife blade longer than 2.5 inches (wtf?) UCPD tackled some students and allegedly beat them with nightsticks. The Tree himself had this to say: "All of the sudden I got a big nudge." Full story .

September 14th, 2006: The Stanford Marching band was slated to get a new band room. During that time, a temporary band room was built nicknamed 'The Band Shak.' The Stanford band, much like drunk frat boys who like breaking shit, took spraypaint, a sledgehammer, food, and other decorations to their room and leveled it. Total Damage - $50,000. University decree - indefinite suspension. Full story.

Notre Dame 1991 and 1997: 1991: Stanford band members dressed up in nun costumes in front of 75,000 Irish fans and proceeded to conduct the band with a crucifix instead of of a conductors baton. Also, crucifixes apparently worked well as drumsticks. 1997: Stanford Band Members parodied the Irish potato famine - an epidemic which claimed the lives of over a million Irish. Way to represent, 'Cards.

The Tree has also been known for its continual war with Oski the Bear, one of my longtime favorite mascots :-D These wars are better seen than explained in type. I present the following for your enjoyment.

Hahahahaha. Thanks Cal for illustrating exactly how we're going to take down Toby Gerhart this weekend: go for for the legs and takem down

Model mascot for a model institution. I'm not clinical psychiatrist, but I am a man with a microphone who makes connections, and usually such spontaneous aggressive behavior is often seen exhibited in people who have insecurity issues. Also, seen in drunks. Also not mutually exclusive categories either, and I believe the Tree is case in point. My diagnosis? Ivy Envy. Stanford just wants so badly to be an Ivy League. But its not, and it can't be.

Observe the Ivy Envy:

Ambiguous Mascot: The Cardinal. Harvard's mascot? The Crimson (also red)
Retard Marching Band: Most traditional or wannabe traditional schools have their band march high step. It's pretty pretentious, as are the schools that employ it (California, Notre Dame, U$C). It also looks retarded. But when a school really wants to embarass itself, it does the scatter drill. No forms, nothing to look at other than assholes running around aimlessly without a semblance of order. Harvard and Yale's band also do these
Highly ranked private school: According to most polls, Harvard and Yale are the interchangeable 1 and 2. Stanford is lowly number three. (cue muted trumpet "wah wah wah wahhhhh")
Proprensity for douchbagginess: Self explanatory. Have you met someone from Harvard and also someone from Stanford? I'm not saying they're all douchebags and some of them are actually quite nice and friendly. But a lot of these private school kids have a little uppity attitude about them. It probably comes from the fact that they can all rest easy knowing their trust fund will always be there...

Despite all its success and wantings, Stanford will never be the Ivy League it wishes it was. It will also fall before our mighty school and its noble mascot, who is never ambiguous, has never been arrested, who represents our University with pride, and who beats a lot of ass and will show up the Cardinal/Tree/whatever on TV this weekend. Go Bruins!






P.S. Fuck you Stanford for that rejection letter...
P.S.S. Actually, I was kidding. I'll stick with glorious Southern California with its beautiful beaches, women, and culture, and you can keep to your Prius-happy community.

Mascot Wars Round 2: Tennessee Volunteers - Let's go to prison

Last week we looked at the San Diego State Aztec. We learned that the Aztec's fearless nature stems from their ability to cause hectic bowel movements and learned on the field last Saturday that the SDSU offense is basically a hectic bowel movement as well. This week the Bruin s play the Tennessee Volunteers. Kind of an odd choice for a university mascot; I know I for one didn't understand it. But now I do, and I'm here to spread the knowledge.

I have personal experience with the Tennessee Volunteer. When I was in 9th grade I traveled to the fair town of Knoxville and was a part of a competition that was held on the campus of UT. I stayed in the dorms, traveled all around Knoxville, saw the sights, etc. Make no mistake, Knoxville is in backwater Tennessee - an oxymoron in itself because as us we civilized people on the Coast understand, ALL of Tennessee is backwater. I swear, time runs backwards there. When we were driving around, we were told that at four way stops, the car with the biggest wheels has the right of way. Knoxvillans are a different breed of person than you and I. Learn more about their type with this primer on hick bros. Back to the Volunteer. One night I my friends and I were exploring campus and got lost. After much wandering we ran into the Volunteer himself. He looks like this.

Now, I was told that the reason behind choosing the Volunteer as a mascot was due to the overwhelmingly large number of Tennesseeans who volunteered to fight in the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, Civil war, et al. Sounds like it makes sense, except for one thing. If they're so Red White and Blue with their service (except for their presence in the Civil War. See Confederacy.), then wheres the Red White and Blue in their colors? No Red, certainly no Blue; only white appears and this is to augment the primary color which is a neon Orange. The Volunteer's color is Orange? That's not even slightly patriotic or has anything to do with being a volunteer for Americas Wars of Independence. Therefore, I cannot accept the given explanation for choosing the Volunteer as their mascot. I was left with two things to work off of: the color orange and Volunteer. Where have I seen that color before? And where have I seen that color in a Volunteering context? Suddenly it dawned on me:
There it is. The orange color. The Volunteering. And most importantly - the police officer. Readers, I give you the true Tennessee Volunteer. This isn't your normal type of Volunteer either. This Volunteer wants to Volunteer so bad that they'll go to jail for it. And the average Tennesseean likes Volunteering so much that that the state of Tennessee clocks in at #23 among state incarceration rates (source: Tennessee Dept. of Corrections Statistical Abstract, September 2008, pg 21). Not bad Tennessee. You just can't get enough of Volunteering can you? Lets take a minute to get to know the Volunteer since we're going to up against 11 of their finest this weekend. Tennessee as a state breaks down demographically 80.4% white, 16.9% black, and 3.2% hispanic (source: www.municipedia.com/Tennessee). Of this pool of potential Volunteers the breakdown reads 51% white, 47% black, 2% other (source: Statistical Abstract, pg 27). Here I see some inconsistencies. 80.4% vs 51% for white Volunteers and 16.9% vs. 47% for black Volunteers. I may be a history major and haven't taken a math class in 5+ years (Calculus was so 2004...), but unless my eyes deceive me I see a disproportionate number of black Volunteers present in the Volunteering system. What can account for this? I can only speculate. Maybe black Tennesseans really, really like being a Volunteer. Or maybe its something else (see racism). One can only speculate. We can look at some facts though. Above you see some numbers. How about some history? Well on December 24th, 1865, 6th middle class Tennessee Confederate Civil War veterans started the most notorious and heinous group in American history, the Klu Klux Klan. Their trademark robes were white.

Now a comparison

The Tennessee Volunteer

Location: Knoxville
Colors: Orange and White. I think the readers can make the connections
Mascot: The Volunteer. Commonly seen on sides of freeways; prison
Last Years Record: 5 - 7 (3 - 5 SEC). Maybe Tennessee should spend a little less time Volunteering?
Hobbies: Volunteering, losing to UCLA

UCLA Bruins

Location: Los Angeles
Colors: True Blue and Gold.
Mascot: Bruin. Commonly seen in Westwood, Bel Air, Brentwood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica just kickin it
Last Years Record: 4 - 8 (3 - 6 Pac 10)
Hobbies: Staying out of prison, getting good jobs, not living in Tennessee, beating Tennessee football

Go Bruins!!!

Mascot Wars Round 1: San Diego State Aztecs - Mighty warriors or just...#2?

A few weeks ago, I did a very special write up about a very special bear. Seeing all the controversy and angry Cal fans sputtering about, I decided to make this a recurring event featuring the opposing mascot before each game to make [insert rival here] all upset and make UCLA fans laugh with glee. Without further ado I give you: The Aztec Warrior.

Couple things I'd like to address here. First I give you a brief summary of who the Aztecs were and why there are no more Aztecs. The Aztec were an advanced Mesoamerican civilization in a what is now modern day Mexico. Their capital, Tenochtitlan, is the site of present day Mexico City. The were a violent and warlike people, enslaving many inferior tribes surrounding them, creating a true empire in the modern sense. They were extremely violent: they killed, worshipped the sun, sacrificed humans, ate hearts, and probably trafficked drugs to the United States. Not much changes with time, does it? Anyway, all was super in Aztec land for a while - the sun worshipping was going well, Aztec chefs had successfully popularized and commercialized the human heart frappuchino, slaves were a-toiling building massive temples, head dresses were hitting the fashion scene - until white man showed up. With a handful of rifles, horses, and iron body armor the Spanish strolled in to Tenochtitlan and politely asked for all their duckets (gold coins for you non-history majors/rappers). This was essentially a stick-up. Business-economics had clearly gone way over the heads of Moctezuma and pals (a trend that continues to this day with the modern SDSU Aztec), because the first rule of business is: when somebody points a gun at you, especially when your civilization hasn't invented guns yet, you give the gun-holders what they're asking for and hope they don't take the Lexus too. Having been rudely denied, Cortez and co. decided to unleash the guns, hordes of oppressed indiginous Mexicans, and smallpox (FTW!) and with that, the Aztecs were totally crushed. The violent and drug filled world of the Aztecs had been temporarily suppressed, temporarily being the key word. Fast forward 500 years and modern day Mexico is totally at peace...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Aztecs, being an adaptive and spiteful people, decided that they would leave their mark on the world for all to know and remember them by. Being bested primarily due to the white man's smallpox (FTW!) which of course, marks the individual with white pox, the Aztecs cooked up a colon-counterattack. Their mark, their color, their lasting insignia was to be a brown one. I speak of course of Moctezuma's Revenge. This is a disease that makes you poop yourself silly, often staining your undergarments and creating the need for fresh ones. According to www.endonurse.com, this "[Aztec black magick] begin[s] abruptly. The illness usually results in increased frequency, volume, and weight of stool. (stool means poop btw) Altered stool consistency also is common. Typically, a traveler experiences four to five loose or watery bowel movements (this means mad shits, like, worse than the worst beer shits) each day." All around pretty gross. Ineffective I might add. While smallpox wiped out a whole civilization, Moctezuma's Revenge only causes mild to moderate discomfort and many trips to the john. Not exactly the scariest disease but perhaps the funniest. I raise my glass to you, fallen Aztecs, for creating the shittiest disease ever as your..erm, revenge.

Sometimes Moctezuma's Revenge strikes at the worst possible time. This disease is a fickle one and knows no friends or foes. Sometimes it strikes friends. Case in point:
Here you will observe an SDSU Aztec portraying an ancient Aztec. Quaint, I know. I draw your attention to a few points.
1) Note the grimace in the face. Looks like he's holding something back, and I don't think its a "gooooooo Aztecs!"
2) Legs closely positioned together. For maximum clenching power
3) Shield at waist level. What better device than a shield to mask a great embarrassment? Also doubles as a shallow collection plate.

Finally, I'd like to make one generalization about the Aztec mascot. Whether you think the mascot is badass, or a legionnaire of the portapotty like I do, at the end of the day the Aztec is a pretty racist mascot. I mean, come on SDSU, racism is schism, ya know? You should have picked something local and still indicative of your culture like Shamoo, or a pot leaf, or gonorrhea. No racism problems. Recently I sat down with Joe Bruin to ask his thoughts about the racist Aztec mascot.

RJ: So Joe, a lot of people are concerned that the choice of mascot - Aztec - at SDSU subjectifies ancestral Mexicans into a subhuman figure. What are you thoughts on the issue?
Joe Bruin: I couldn't agree more RJ. Whether we like it or not, Aztecs were once human beings as well yet we allow them to become subhuman symbols for a mediocre university. It's not like we have teams like 'the Scots-Irish hooligans' or 'the Italian mobsters.' That stereotype is demeaning to those cultures, why do we allow it to happen to minority cultures?
RJ: Very insightful Joe. So no race issues when you were asked to become the mascot for UCLA were there?
Joe Bruin: Fuck no! I was all, wait, I get to be the mascot at UCLA? I get to chew up Trojans and slaughter their innocents? Sign me the fuck up!

Ahhh, college football. I'm happy you're back. It brings out the best in us. GO BRUINS!!!

The Scariest, Creepiest mascot in college sports

Oski of the Cal Bears

I remember my first encounter with Oski. I was a young, vibrant, attractive college freshmen playing alto saxophone in the UCLA Marching Band. We were playing Cal at their home and everything was going swell until I heard some screaming coming from near the tailgate area. After that I saw a brown and yellow figure sprinting towards campus being trailed by UC Berkeley Police. Abandoning my saxophone warmup circle, I searched for the source of the screaming which by this point had developed into low regulated sobbing and discovered that Oski the Bear had molested yet another 7 year old.

Okay, so some of that story didn't actually happen. But look at this guy. Look at that creepy and overexxxagerated grin. It's a trademark pedosmile - the sort of smile a pedophile gets sitting at a public park bench seeing kids having a water balloon fight. Look at that hunched back. He can't even stand upright. He has to stay hunched so he can target his prey - unsuspecting 7 year olds. Oski the Bear is a 80 year old pervert who assaults and molests young children. His strategy is so brilliant: what is more welcoming and fun for a small child than a big old nice bear. He has that Yogi the Bear vibe going: kind of awkward looking but loveable. Except whereas Yogi the Bear only delved into picnic baskets, Oski the Bear delves into the pants of prepubescent minors.

There isn't any reason that Oski the Bear has to be a pedophile. He's a bear. Bears are inherently rugged, manly, and awesome. How hard is it to fuck up a bear mascot for a college? Here's a mascot based off a bear that doesn't look like he wants to suckle on the lollipops of the young: Joe Bruin of the UCLA Bruins. Joe doesn't molest the young. Joe specializes in beating ass and eating young Trojans. Joe eats 4 to 5 Trojans a day in order to satiate his bottomless hunger. Sometimes Joe spices up his meals with the tears of silly USC students who sob mercilessly at night clutching their rejection letters from UCLA. Joe is often seen at UCLA sporting events using his bear pheremones to enrage the crowd and players against the opposite football team. Joe Bruin epitomizes everything a college mascot should be. When I see Joe Bruin, I don't think about shielding my kids from his gaze. I instead bring my (metaphorically speaking) children to Joe Bruin so they can sit at his knee while he teaches them how to be a badass.

Oski should be locked away and have to wear a GPS device from his ankle and live at least 3,000 feet away from a public school or park.

Joe Bruin doesn't like children unless they're upcoming UCLA students that he mentors or Trojan children that comprise his his diet. UCLA might borrow most of its iconography from Cal (including mascot, fight song, colors, even names of buildings) but this is always done because we show Cal where they fucked up and then illustrate how one can improve on it.
Joe Bruin is a stud. Fuck Oski, fuck Cal, go Bruins!!!