Hello RJS readers. Apologies are in order: I realize I have not written in a very long time. There were so many delicious mascots ripe for the lampooning (I can't believe I missed Oregon State Beavers...) but I was too busy failing left and right. I hope that we can move on and that you'll forgive me for my indiscretion. Today's subject is none other than the junior college over cross town: University of Southern California Trojans. If you're unfamiliar with USC, click here.
As one of college sport's most iconic mascots, the image of Tommy Trojan and Traveler (his mount) strike up feelings of school spirit and pride among many spoiled children around Southern California. He prances around the Coliseum like a pretentious douchebag. But what exactly IS a Trojan? Many people have no idea what a Trojan is outside of the ones that come in blue boxes behind the counter at Chevron. That's where I come in. Below I will clear up some myths and lay down some facts about our neighbors over in South Central.
Trojans have nothing to do with a Coliseum. The Coliseum was not in Troy, not in Greece, but in ROME. They certainly didn't play American football their either although did they did play similar games called 'Gladiator' and 'Christians to the lions.' They also had things like chariot races and some legends assert that the Coliseum was once filled with water and they had a naval battle inside of it which sounds pretty freakin sweet. But again, this has nothing to do with Trojans.
Trojans aren't rugged. Trojans are stupid. This is an entirely objective and historical fact. What are the Trojans most famous for? Having their city burned to the ground and destroyed so concretely that we still aren't sure where Troy was (props Greeks). Let me recount the story of the Trojan War for you to see what I'm getting at.
Once upon a time in ancient history, the Trojans came over to Greece and stole Helen. Even thousands of years ago, Trojans were lacking in moral character. Some things never change. She was a looker for sure because as history indicates her face launched a thousand ships i.e. the Trojan War. All the all-stars came out for this war like Odysseus, Paris, Agamennon, etc. They had a battle royale outside the walls of Troy, but eventually it was fought to a standstill. So the Greeks devised a plan. They built a giant horse, filled some soldiers in it, and planned on bursting out at night to open the gates for the regular army. This plan, that a 5 year old could see through, worked.
How dumb do you have to be to fall for this??? I suspect the conversation went something like this:
Trojan soldier: Hey boss, the Greeks are gone and they left behind a giant horse.
Trojan captain: They left behind a what??
Trojan soldier: A giant horse boss. Wooden. Looks like a Florida Cracker.
Trojan captain: There is nothing sketchy about this at all. Let's bring it inside.
Trojan soldier: Tight.
The Greeks wait until night, emerge from the horse, and throw open the gates. The Greeks roll in, still in shock that the Trojans fell for this plan, and proceed to slaughter the hapless Trojans and erase their city from the archeological record (for further reading see Homer's Iliad).
In short, the Trojans are best remembered for being complete and total fools. Normally I'd wonder why a school would choose this mascot but when considering that it is U$C, its just fitting. Have you ever wondered what a tool looks like?
Tooltooltooltooltooltooltooltool.So tomorrow regardless of the outcome, take comfort in the fact that the Trojan heritage is being dumb and sucking at life. And also take comfort in the fact that as a Bruin, you'll never be represented by this guy seen above.
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