The morning after...

The morning after is never fun, especially when your night could’ve been greatly improved by a brawl in south central (I was going to reference the ironic fact that the opposing sides were wearing blue and red, but to be honest I decided that would be a terrible terrible idea).

So anyway lets put aside the complete lack of class from the Trojan football team, USC completely shafting UCLA fans on tickets, and the fact that even when watching on TV the USC fight song can still be heard every 15 seconds (after a holding penalty…really?); and lets focus on what’s really important: USC’s standout academic athlete of the game (or whatever the hell Comcast Sports called it).

Meet Abe Markowitz. He plays on the offensive line. During yesterday’s game Comcast cut away from the action to show us this fine young man and his academic exploits which are apparently a source of great pride at the USC athletic dept. Now sit down and strap in folks because our boy Abe is the proud owner of a staggering 2.9 GPA. I know, I didn’t think it existed either.

Now to be honest I know that the occasional intelligent student-athlete does find his/her way into that school, so why show off this guy? Well it just so happens Mr. Markowitz is in line to be a King of Tonga (according to CSN Bay Area). Yeah that’s right, he’s THAT kind of academic standout, the “it’s not what you know, but who you know” kind of standout. It’s like calling George W. Bush a scholar (only without the cocaine and DUI’s and whatnot).

I for one say screw Tonga. Half their population lives abroad and the half that doesn’t will be underwater by the end of the century (provided our boy hasn’t run the country into the ground by then). Forgive me green lobby, but this time Global Warming can’t come soon enough.



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I'll shut up now