Oski of the Cal Bears
I remember my first encounter with Oski. I was a young, vibrant, attractive college freshmen playing alto saxophone in the UCLA Marching Band. We were playing Cal at their home and everything was going swell until I heard some screaming coming from near the tailgate area. After that I saw a brown and yellow figure sprinting towards campus being trailed by UC Berkeley Police. Abandoning my saxophone warmup circle, I searched for the source of the screaming which by this point had developed into low regulated sobbing and discovered that Oski the Bear had molested yet another 7 year old.
Okay, so some of that story didn't actually happen. But look at this guy. Look at that creepy and overexxxagerated grin. It's a trademark pedosmile - the sort of smile a pedophile gets sitting at a public park bench seeing kids having a water balloon fight. Look at that hunched back. He can't even stand upright. He has to stay hunched so he can target his prey - unsuspecting 7 year olds. Oski the Bear is a 80 year old pervert who assaults and molests young children. His strategy is so brilliant: what is more welcoming and fun fo
r a small child than a big old nice bear. He has that Yogi the Bear vibe going: kind of awkward looking but loveable. Except whereas Yogi the Bear only delved into picnic baskets, Oski the Bear delves into the pants of prepubescent minors.There isn't any reason that Oski the Bear has to be a pedophile. He's a bear. Bears are inherently rugged, manly, and awesome. How hard is it to fuck up a bear mascot for a college? Here's a mascot based off a bear that doesn't look like he wants to suckle on the lollipops of the young: Joe Bruin of the UCLA Bruins. Joe doesn't molest the young. Joe specializes in beating ass and eating young Trojans. Joe eats 4 to 5 Trojans a day in order to satiate his bottomless hunger. Sometimes Joe spices up his meals with the tears of silly USC students who sob mercilessly at night clutching their rejection letters from UCLA. Joe is often seen at UCLA sporting events using his bear pheremones to enrage the crowd and players against the opposite football team. Joe Bruin epitomizes everything a college mascot should be. When I see Joe Bruin, I don't think about shielding my kids from his gaze. I instead bring my (metaphorically speaking) children to Joe Bruin so they can sit at his knee while he teaches them how to be a badass.
Oski should be locked away and have to wear a GPS device from his ankle and live at least 3,000 feet away from a public school or park.
Joe Bruin doesn't like children unless they're upcoming UCLA students that he mentors or Trojan children that comprise his his diet. UCLA might borrow most of its iconography from Cal (including mascot, fight song, colors, even names of buildings) but this is always done because we show Cal where they fucked up and then illustrate how one can improve on it.
Joe Bruin is a stud. Fuck Oski, fuck Cal, go Bruins!!!
Too bad Joe bRuin doesn't have an awesome eyehole through which he can stick a tube and get piss drunk at games. I've witnessed this in person, and because I'm such a stand-up guy, my word should be good enough, but photographic evidence anyway:
ReplyDeletehttp://hoopedia.nba.com/images/d/d6/oskidrinking.jpg
Oski's also so awesome that, unlike Joe bRuin, he does not require a female counterpart to reproduce; he simply magically refreshes himself year after year after year, much like how when your family dog died when you were young, your parents tried to find one that looked just like it and replaced it secretly so that you wouldn't notice the difference.
Also, when was the last time Joe bRuin beat up on his rival school's mascot? Look up "bear vs tree" on YouTube, first result.
All kidding aside, Oski is a little creepy at times, but he's an old-school classic mascot, named by many unscientific polls as among the best college mascots in the country (do a Google search; SI had a list with Oski among the best and the 'Furd tree among the worst). He's also piss drunk at most of the major sporting events - at least, he USED to be. The only mascot to top that is Dartmouth's Keggy the Keg.
Seriously though, get your own fucking colors and fight song.
How appropriate for a bay area guy to rate a mascot on how drunk he is at games. If that's your thing, well more power to ya!
ReplyDeleteAs for our colors and fight song, they are ours and forever will be in that we made them our own, in our own way. That the rest of the world should associate them with UCLA over Cal is just the way things are.
When did reproducing without sex become a positive?
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't have a female counterpart cause he's a pedophile. Look at him, he looks like he rapes little boys daily.
ReplyDelete@Matt: so does Ran, but I don't see you criticizing him for it at all. That's just wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous hit it on the head: yeah, when did reproducing without sex become a positive?
ReplyDeletegordon, i learned my ways from my boy Dean, Cal class of 2009. so it always comes back to the dirty golden bear :-)
ReplyDeleteNice to see the Ucla inferiority complex continues to run nice and strong. Typical of second tier prople to steal an identity, and be proud of the fact.
ReplyDeleteYou baby bruins are such prrecious little children!
Psychologists (even UCLA wonks) might assert that Ran suffers from some type of acute personality disorder, and that he is perhaps suppressing some terrible childhood memory that has resulted in his fear of specific situations, objects, and/or people/mascots. I might also suggest that when Ran describes himself as " a young, vibrant, attractive college freshman" , that he also suffers from delusions brought on by his "panic" of all things OSKI. And yet, after reading his pedophilia-induced rant, and seeing his attached photo of Joe Bruin and a respectable looking UCLA cheerleader, it might seem as if Ran actually identifies with said coed and in reality dreams of being molested by his own mascot. Note his comment that he brings his (metaphoric) children to sit at Joe's knee while he (Joe) "teaches them to be badass". Clearly what has happened is Ran has replaced the true object of his fears and repressed memories (Joe) and replaced them with the similar, yet more mature Cal counterpart. Tell us Ran......what really happened between you and Joe Bruin at band camp?
ReplyDeleteumm, I didn't write this article... good try.
ReplyDeleteget a life, kid. Go Bears!
ReplyDeleteTsk tsk tsk. Jealousy is so unbecoming on you baby-blue wearing little bRuins.
ReplyDeleteLol @ ucla marching band.
ReplyDeleteWhat's a bruin anyway?
A small d!ckless bear.
HAHA, we all know that that hole in the cal mascot's mask is not for getting drunk, but for sucking weiner!
ReplyDeleteYou'll notice that you never see Oski pay for those beers he drinks through his eye hole.
ReplyDeleteIt's because he's a Soviet comunist sent to spy on the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory.
That's right, nuclear espionage and pederasty.
Don't bother trying to deny it.
Fuck all of you!!!
ReplyDelete