Attention 'LA Fans': Mimic the Mexicans (and also this kid)

A few days ago I was watching a CONCACAF Champions League game between D.C. United (USA) and Luis Angel Firpo (El Salvador). It was a pretty epic match, and it went into extra minutes and PKs afterwards. D.C. was able to scratch out a W when a Firpo player royally fucked up a PK by skyrocketing it 20ft over the crossbar. But that's not what I wanna talk about today. The thing that I noticed the most besides mediocre CONCACAF soccer was how freaking nuts the Firpo fans are. If you've ever watched any Mexican, Central/South American soccer games, you know what I'm talking about. They go apeshit for their team THE ENTIRE TIME. They bring drums and they beat the hell out of them all game, which for this match meant 120+ minutes. They also bounce and jump all game. Firpo wears white jerseys and while watching the supporter section I made a comment to my roommate: "So I guess to be a Firpo fan you need one of two things - a white Firpo jersey OR any white shirt that you can swing over your head" because literally the whole section was doing the latter. This is the sports culture than everyone needs to get in with. Some places have it, like the fans of the Oakland Raiders, Green Bay Packers, and most college teams, good examples being Michigan, Ohio State, LSU, Florida, etc. One place that doesn't have it is LA because here as a city we get crazy bitter and apathetic when things don't go our way and in sports it gives birth to the worst type of fan.

Los Angeles is the home of the 'LA Fan'. You may have met a LA Fan, for they are easily recognized by a telltale set of characteristics. These are: supporting LA Lakers, USC Football and at the same time UCLA Basketball and generally being the biggest bandwagon fan of all time. LA Fans claim to be diehard and loyal fans but this is a farce. At the first sign of a losing streak they stop going to games, talk a lot of shit on their former team, and basically become giant assholes. I hate LA Fans and you should too.

I hate to say, but I gotta call it like I see it. One of the thriving grounds for these LA Fans is of all places UCLA. That's right: we suck as fans, ESPECIALLY in football season. Ever watch a Big 10/XII game? Thats what fans are SUPPOSED to be like. Even when your team sucks, which our football team decidedly does, you never fucking give up. You drink more. You drink a lot. And you never, ever talk shit on your team. The more your team sucks, the more grounds you have to drink and talk as much shit as possible on the other team. This is what a good fan does. LA hasn't figured it out yet and it pisses me off.

College football is one of the greatest inventions mankind has come up with. When you're in college, nothing gives you more shit talking material than college sports. And since football is so awesomely violent, college football allows you to see your school literally beating the shit out of another school. What else could you possibly want? What isn't there to get excited about? Who cares if our football team sucks? Throw back some more brew and go pick a fight with a Trojan. That's a positive way to expel your frustration and guess what - it's also a lot of fucking fun.

I close with another soccer anecdote to give you something to work towards as we get ready to tailgate the shit out of the Rosebowl. Last summer I went to L.A. Galaxy vs. Chivas USA. For those of you who don't share my silly obsession with the MLS, this is a huge rivalry match because these teams are both based in LA and both share the Home Depot Center as their home turf. The fan base of each club is decidedly different. The Galaxy is the white middle class team and is a mix of diehards like me and a whole lot of LA Fans. Chivas on the other hand has a fan base of crazy Mexicans. Chivas' supporter section had all kinds of songs, they were up and bouncing around all game, had drums, and were drunk out of their minds. They made me want to trash my Galaxy gear and join up, especially when they starting sparking up road flares in the stadium. That was badass. I watched a fight break out in their stands when some Galaxy fans from the L.A. Riot Squad decided to go inform Chivas that they suck a lot of dong. Cops ejected everybody to the delight of the entire stadium.

In sum: don't be a LA Fan. Learn from crazy drunk Mexican soccer fans. They know how to have fun, and you probably don't. ESPECIALLY when it comes to UCLA!!!! You have no reason to ever back down while still attending college and going to games.