On Memphis, Calipari and Related Fiascos

On April 5, 2008 Memphis won the last of its NCAA record 38 games that season. That same day this sportswriter drank straight plastic bottle whiskey ‘til he forgot the game ever happened.

On August 20, 2009 the NCAA decided that thereby and forthwithstanding those victories would heretoafter be null and/or nonexistent. This sportswriter drank again to commemorate the occasion.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m no fan of Memphis and especially not one of John Calipari. Memphis frankly just needs to join a legitimate basketball conference. I mean even the SEC is a step up from Conference USA, albeit not a big one.

Anyway, in case you were wondering the reason Memphis had their entire season forfeited was that “an unnamed player,” whom the NCAA has named Errick-Day Ose-Ray for confidentiality reasons, knowingly had another person take the SAT for him to be academically eligible to play. This violation means that every game Errick-Day played in will be considered a forfeit. Let the festivities begin.

Admittedly I can’t hold a coach too responsible for the illegal and/or idiotic shit his/her players do. This is mainly because society considers these people adults and therefore individuals who are responsible for themselves. I wouldn’t, but I’ll take society’s word for it. The thing is that in Calipari’s case I have to admit things look a little suspicious after what I’ll call an “dodgy” career. Why dodgy? Maybe it’s because under his “coachingship” UMass had its tournament winnings vacated after one of his players accepted gifts from an agent (Arcus-May Amby-Cay). Maybe it’s because he’s known to hire coaching staff personnel close to key recruits so they’ll sign with him. Maybe it’s because he called a reporter a “f***ing Mexican idiot” while coaching the New Jersey Nets. Or maybe it’s because his son Damian bears the mark of the beast. Either way this guy hangs out in more shady grey areas than a mouse lodged in an elephant’s ass. Regardless of whether he was directly involved in this fiasco his lack of oversight is reminiscent of Bush’s supervision of FEMA after Hurricane Katrina.

I gotta say though, the infuriating thing about all this is the speed at which the NCAA brought the hammer down on Memphis. If they were this efficient all the time USC would’ve been demoted to Division III by now and Lane Kiffin would be shackled up in a basement somewhere watching a 24 hour a day reality show starring Tim Tebow, completely unaware that his wife gets more google hits than he does. Really though I have to assume that from the relatively groundbreaking speed with which this investigation closed Errick-Day must’ve handed in the evidence and filed the paperwork himself.

On a closing note as a UCLA fan (to put it lightly) this whole situation strikes home for me. Why? Guess who Memphis’s last win was against, guess who’s academically eligible players got shafted out of a chance to compete for the title. I’m not going to comment on the NBA’s new age requirements for the draft but I will say that if you can’t qualify for an athletic scholarship academically for a John Calipari team you have no business on a college basketball court, arguably any basketball court. It’s really that easy folks.

So thank you Memphis for crapping all over my Final Four festivities. Thank you John Calipari for never failing to be either slimy or more oblivious than Helen Keller in a firefight (too soon?). And thank you Derrick Rose (crap!), because now that this is winding down the NCAA can focus on what they’re good at, pretending to investigate U$C.

Cheers