On July 27th Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated by the NFL and has reportedly wasted no time in not signing with a team. The man once stated to be “that guy who plays like that college kid Vince Young” is out of jail, back on the market and worth more than a rigged high stakes dog-fighting match (too soon?). It’s been two weeks people. The man needs work.
Now I’m not trying to condone dog fighting or any other kind of animal cruelty that isn’t funny but I for one want to see Michael Vick do what he was born to do: play a running back who happens to throw the ball occasionally (career 75.7 passer rating). And what better way to do that than by joining one of the following random teams I’ve compiled in this list.
Miami – Now I’m going to go ahead and be forthright when I say that I really have to idea what a wildcat offense is, nor do I really care to learn, but I do know that it would be an excellent fit for Vick. He’s wild and he hates dogs (I’m only getting started folks). Point and case. Plus there’s no way Miami will win the Super Bowl with a guy like Chad Pennington behind center. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but there’s no way some guy who looks like an inflated 14 year old can deliver the crucial fourth quarter, down by 5, last play of the game kind of speech (Pennington). You want a guy with a chiseled jaw, piercing eyes and a killer instinct for this dog eat dog world. Vick’s proven he’s got those in spades.
San Francisco – Perfect fit if I ever saw one. They’ve got a young exciting coach, a hole at quarterback (and the low expectations that come along with it), a receiving corps with a couple young budding receivers and a token wise veteran and a running back with Pro Bowl potential. Almost makes you forget about the fact that 90% of PETA’s membership (worldwide) resides within city limits. However, dodging the punches, cars, trolleys, boats and groups of roving vegan bicycle gangs might be exactly what Vick needs to get back into football shape. It’s not like the “dangerous” NFC West will throw anything worse at him.
Minnesota – Brett Favre’s off the table and hopefully sticking to Wrangler commercials for the next few years. Beyond that the Vikings’ QB situation looks as promising as a massive cave-in caused by Al Gore firing a shotgun one too many times (we all must stop manbearpig). Granted they already have an explosive running threat in Adrian Peterson making Vick slightly redundant. Still he would be a big step up from Tavaris Jackson.
Oakland – The Raider’s have both JaMarcus Russell and Jeff Garcia at the QB spot. So why would they need another? Because Vick is, as I stated earlier, not a Quarterback. But wait Mike! The Raiders already have running backs too! Yes I know, the Raider’s have a lot of things. Unfortunately a winning team is not one of them. At this point Al Davis should be willing to try anything. That’s not to say he can’t back up JaMarcus when Jeff Garcia realizes he’s way too old for this shit and would much rather fool around with his hot wife than be chased by hairy sweaty 300 pound men every Sunday. What’s better is that Tom Cable can flip a coin on the sideline each play to see which mediocre quarterback in his backfield should throw the next pass. Can’t be fired if you didn’t actually make the decision right? Right? Poor guy, has no idea, fail to give the Raider Nation a winning team and they throw you to the dogs.
Houston – To be honest here I just couldn’t think of a state where someone convicted of cruelty to animals could be forgiven faster. Not to mention their team sucks. Now technically they do need to acquire some defense if they want to be a winning team. Unfortunately they need a lot more than that to actually become one. So if anything they need someone/thing to bring fans out each Sunday and help them forget there’s no way the Texans are seeing a Super Bowl ring before the sea levels rise enough to engulf every team on the coasts. It’s hopeless. I mean every dog gets his day sure, but if he plays for the Texans all bets are off.
New Orleans – Seeing as Reggie Bush has turned out to be just as valuable as everyone else in the 2006 draft it might be time to re-evaluate his standing on the team, or more to the point his standing off the team…forever. Vick has a similar body type and what’s better is that he’s proven himself to be a decent professional football player; whereas Bush has only proven himself to be decent professional accessory to Kim Kardashian. And even she's planning on replacing him with a lapdog.
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