I got alotta problems with you people!

Let’s talk tennis.

Why? Only because it’s the greatest sport since the Egyptians invented beer pong. Look it up.

Anyway tennis, I’m a fan. I still love baseball, basketball, football, futbol, and am even known to dabble in croquet. But tennis is and always has been my first love, which is why I take exception to anything, ever, said or done against it. The world is a cruel place, and it isn’t always very nice to tennis. So on that note bust out your festivus poles (it’s a Seinfeld reference folks) because its time for an airing of grievances.

What the world has done to tennis:

1. Crucial matches aren’t always aired live. The 2009 French Open men’s finals, in which Roger Federer was trying to tie the all-time record in grand slam titles was aired with a couple hour delay. The only conceivable reason this would happen would be out of worry Roger would flash a nipple ring while singing with Justin Timberlake during the halftime show. But two hours? Jesus I know his nipples are fascinating but after the first 90 minutes I’m pretty sure someone could turn off the camera.

2. Maria Sharapova isn’t playing up to par. Hot tennis players are awesome. But what’s the use if they drop out in the first round against some no name from Swaziland? She needs to stop doing commercials and being famous and whatnot and practice…for all of us.

3. Roger Federer’s “RF” warm up suits. I love Roger Federer, I’m Swiss, it’s a law. But I would love nothing more than to see the mid-level exec at Nike who proposed the idea of making those suits run over with 6 horse carriage. It’s pretentious, presumptuous and if I knew another long word that started with “p” I’d put that down too.

4. Why the hell do cartoons always depict tennis players playing with wooden racquets? Simpsons, Family Guy I’m looking in your direction. What decade were your cartoonists born in? Or more to the point which one do they think they still live in?

5. Their spouses are too hot. Hear me out! I love it when the camera pans to Brooklyn Decker during an Andy Roddick match as much as the next guy. But he hasn’t won a major title since they married. Yeah his problems started a long time ago but regardless Amerrrrica needs another champion. Look at Roger Federer, his wife is plainer than tofu and he could beat Jesus on a grass court.

6. Line Judges. Have you ever seen the machine they use to track ball movement if a player challenges a call? It’s amazing! Why isn’t this being used in every major match?

7. Its too hard to go pro. This is a personal one. I love watching two amazing players duke it out on center court for 5 hours but I’d love it more if I had had a legit chance at being one of those people. I played tennis non-stop through junior high and high school. But nowadays you need to start playing before you start breast feeding if you want a chance at being world class. Its not like basketball where you can dive into Kenya or Lower Mongolia and come out in 2 weeks with a some 7’6” behemoth who’ll be an all-star in 3 years. Tennis requires work, dedication and at least 20 years to hone your skills. I have none of these. Thanks world.