Dancing in September

These powerful words from one of my favorite bands Earth, Wind & Fire are exactly what every sports fan should feel right about now. With September right around the corner, all sports are right around the corner too, with some already getting in full swing (i.e baseball). This is the most beautiful time of the year. You get to make fun of your friends who study at semester schools, while you have another 3.5 weeks until classes start, not to mention the imminent start of the US Open (tennis) and college football season. How can sports fans not be dancing in September? even if baseball, football, soccer, and tennis are not your cup of tea there is plenty of other stuff to be excited for! Basketball and hockey training camps are going to open up. The FIBA Eurobasket is taking place soon and features lots of talent and intrigue (and world champs/Olympic runner-ups Spain). With such great options, September seems like the greatest time of the year (October comes in close second). Here is what to look for this month:

US Open - Tennis's last major of the year and it takes place in New York. How will Andy Roddick respond after the epic Wimbledon final defeat to The Fed? Is a different Andy (Murray) going to steal the show? There is also the return of Rafa, now the world's #3. Let's not forget the women's draw as we will probably see another Safina choke, and perhaps another Williams victory (Serena is the defending champ).



College Football - Is superman going to wow us again? How will Pete's band of thugs do with pretty boy Matt Barkley behind center? Will the MWC be good or revert back to it's old ways? Will the NCAA actually screw anyone over who deserves it? and most importantly, will we all have Beaver Fever by the December?




NFL - The Steelers. New Cowboy Stadium. And unfortunatly, Brett Favre.







Eurobasket - Will Spain steal the show once again? Can the Eastern Europeans return to former glory? How many neutralized American players are we going to see play for new countries?

Golf - yeah, who cares.




MLB - Both Wild Card races are burning up, not to mention a few divisional races still undecided. This month is literally the make it or break it month unless you are the Nationals, D-Backs, Padres, or Pirates. For them, the make it or break it month is May; check that, April.



Soccer - all domestic leagues are back in action, with Liverpool already limping in England (thanks Rafa). The best part is that World Cup qualifiers are coming back, with two games for most teams in the next 10 days. Just like in the MLB, these are essentially make it or break it. Again, unless your country is named Luxemburg or Farroe Islands for whom they break every two years when they announce the draws for the World Cup or Euro.

With all this sporting goodness, it makes you wonder why Green Day ever wrote the song "Wake Me Up When September Ends"?

Call of the Wild Card Part II: Le Deuxieme

How do you do accent marks on this thing?

I’d like to start out today by sending an apology to Ryan Rohlinger who just came through in the clutch to expand our lead against the Rockies (Giants fan, sue me). You’ve earned your props today.

Onto the league that thinks it is still baseball if the pitcher doesn’t bat. I don’t like the idea of designated hitters. If you step out into a batter’s box you had better be able to take a position on the field and vice versa. No exceptions.

American League Wild Card Race


Looking over their DH’s shoulder, cuz god forbid if the pitcher has to bat.

Detroit Tigers – I’m sorry to do this to you guys. I mean, I can’t even think of a time when your team was relevant since you had Ty Cobb. But honestly I don’t trust your bullpen to carry even a “talented” group of starters. Minnesota’s creeping up and Joe Mauer’s the greatest player ever*.


In the thick of it; because their pitcher isn’t batting and that juiced up dude who can’t field does it for him.

Boston Red Sox – This reminds me that I should go watch “The Departed” again**. Anyway, you guys were cool when you overcame the Curse of the Bambino way back whenever but people stopped caring promptly next season and I hate to say that I only root for you if you’re playing the Yankees. Luckily for you David Ortiz is finally learning to swing without steroids. Unluckily, however, the Yankees fired George Costanza and promptly went on a massive winning streak. Consequently the Wild Card is the Sox’ only root into the playoffs. Have fun guys.

Texas Rangers – First of all can I just say that Texas is not west enough to be in the Western Division. Second, what’s with a club whose president is Nolan Ryan having such a pathetic strike out count from its pitching staff? It’s like as if Michael Jordan took ownership of an NBA franchise without any playoff hopes and frankly no future…perhaps a team based out of a city like Charlotte. It’d be crazy.

Tampa Bay – This team deserves props after a great run at the playoffs last year. Too bad they were hit with yet another cold sloppy dose of reality this year with the Yankees and the Red Sox once again commanding the lead of the division. Everyone loves Evan Longoria but it’s just the damned unfortunate truth that they’re boxed out of the playoffs as it stands. Should’ve joined the AL Central.

Seattle Mariners – HA! Just kidding.


Hey guys can I play DH?

Seattle Mariners – Here we go. You have Ichiro. That’s it. I will say that Ken Griffey Jr.’s swing is the most beautiful in baseball but it won’t win them a playoff spot. Hey Seattle, there’s always basketball season awwwwww (too soon?).


*not accurate
**The Boondock Saints too

Call of the Wild Card

Puns…they're what’s for breakfast.

With August slipping away baseball season is kicking into overdrive. Series’ are becoming more heated, pitchers are throwing inside, and Bruce Bochy’s ejection count is going up faster than his blood pressure. Now since I’m opposed to having divisions in baseball (“…one nation, indivisible…”) let’s focus on the State of the Wild Card standings.

National League Wild Card Race


Looking over their shoulder…

LA Dodgers – Although the Dodgers have lost the status of one of the most dominant clubs in MLB this year they still know how to win, provided the team they’re playing is in the NL West. Both the Rockies and the Giants have better non-conference records. I’m not saying they won’t make the playoffs because with their schedule it’d take an act of god for them not to. But if they want to be a playoff threat it had best change.


In the thick of it…

Colorado Rockies – They have the lead but need to pull something off this weekend if they want to keep it. They’re in for a weekend against 2 Cy Young Award winners and a current Cy Young candidate in Matt Cain Sunday, not to mention one of the best home teams in baseball. That’s not to say Barry Zito is on Cy Young form but his bi-polar-esque play on opposite ends of the All-Star break is well known to favor him afterwards. But seriously, Rockies, if you guys pull off another amazing end-of-the-season and playoff run only to eat it to the AL in the World Series no one’s going to like you anymore.

San Francisco – At the risk of sounding like every know nothing baseball announcer these guys need some offense. To make matters worse Freddy Sanchez is injured and some guy named Ryan Rohlinger had to be placed on their active roster (who is this fool?). Their bullpen isn’t putting up the numbers they were around the All-Star break and Joe Martinez is a bum. I mean, no offense to the dude; I have mad respect for him taking a line drive to the noggin and coming back to start. Dare I say, I was inspired. But coming back from a concussion does not excuse an ERA over 7. The bottom line is they have the skill to win the Wild Card but they will need every ounce to overcome a schedule that looks as promising as the outcome of a Roland Emmerich film. Look it up.

Florida Marlins – Josh Johnson is pitching well. Unfortunately not one else outside of their bullpen is doing the same. I’ll be honest, I don’t like Florida. I think the Marlin is a substandard baseball mascot and I’m still bitter about them knocking the Giants out of the playoffs in 1997. They may technically be only 4.5 games out of the Wild Card lead but they might as well be 20.5 games out because either way they are just as likely to make the playoffs. And I base all of this on sound unbiased scientifically backed judgment.

Atlanta Braves – About an hour ago some tool announcing the Dodgers vs. Reds game declared his belief they would win the wild card as a dark horse something or other. I would like to take this time to thoughtfully reply: f*** that. It’s not that they do anything terribly or have a glaring weakness. They just don’t do anything that well and as a result are no fun to watch. They’re the San Antonio Spurs of baseball minus the talent. Sure if the NL West is devastated by the swine flu they have a shot but I’m sure not banking on them leading the pack without resorting to biological warfare.


Hey guys can I play?

Chicago Cubs – I guess the 101st year won’t be a charm after all. Doesn’t really matter how many goats you slaughter on Wrigley Field or how many award winning hospital dramas you base in the city, Chicago’s the metaphorical uncoordinated kid who follows you to the baseball field and ends up being all time right fielder if there’s an uneven amount of kids playing.


Tomorrow: American League Wild Card Race

UEFA Champions League Predictions

Today the groups were drawn for the UEFA Champions League. The 2009-2010 edition has many familiar faces (i.e the Brits and Spaniards) but some new faces are here such as Maccabi Haifa, Apoel Nicosa, and Wulfburg. What will happen? no clue. I can take the easy road here but I will go crazy with these? why? so I can rightfully say to any "hater" that I was going by heart, on a limb, and somewhat based on facts. Let's begin!

Group A: Maccabi Haifa, Juventus, Bordeaux, and Bayern Munich

Surprise Team: Maccabi Haifa because they will be hard to beat in Israel and feel like they have something to prove (and gain monetarily). I still doubt they will advance, but they could ruin some dreams.
Set to Disappoint: Bayern Munich because they have had their worst start in 43 years domestically.
Best Match-up: Bayern v. Juventus due to the tradition and each team knows they have something to prove this year.
Teams to Advance: Juventus and Bordeaux

Group B: Man U, CSKA Moscow, Wolfburg, Basiktas

Surprise Team: Basiktas since they Turkish league champs know they have a little bit to prove.
Set to Disappoint: Not to keep with the German theme, but... Wolfsburg is most likely to not advance out of the three domestic champs (Moscow is not).
Best Match-Up: Wolfsburg v. Basiktas because they are two champions that a lot of people might not give the respect they ought to get.
Teams to Advance: Man U and Basiktas

Group C: AC Milan, Real Madrid, FC Zurich, Marseille

Surprise Team: FC Zurich just because people give no respect to the Swiss league and they have to be hungry to prove themselves.
Set to Disappoint: Real Madrid but only because I feel like they will not finish first, they still have so much talent that even if Ronaldo can't play with Kaka too well, they are still going to be good.
Best Match-Up: AC Milan v. Real Madrid well, duh.
Teams to Advance: Milan and Real

Group D: Chelsea, Porto, Atletico Madrid, APOEL

Surprise Team: Atletico because they are for real and are not regulars nor are they from Cypress, so it seems like the obvious choice.
Set to Disappoint: Porto, while they won the Cup a few years ago, I feel like with this group they might get trapped. I could be totally wrong though.
Best Match-Up: Atletico v. Porto not only because this is an Iberian Peninsula bragging rights match-up but also will determine who advances.
Teams to Advance: Chelsea and Porto (again, I can be wrong)

Group E: Liverpool, Lyon, Fiorentina, Debrecen

Surprise Team: Fiorentina (see Atletico)
Set to Disappoint: Lyon. If this was the EPL, it'd be Liverpool. However, Rafa's club loves the Champions League
Best Match-Up: Liverpool v. Lyon the English hate the French and visa versa. Also, this is going to directly affect the pecking order and teams who will advance.
Teams to Advance: Liverpool and Fiorentina(again, I can be wrong)

Group F: FC Barcelona, Inter Milan, Dynamo Kiev, FC Rubin (who?)

Surprise Team: Dynamo (your welcome Kvyat) because they could do serious damage to the top dogs.
Set to Disappoint: Inter, who did not perform too well in the US (though they did not play all their guys) but Barca is better, so they have to be the choice.
Best Match-Up: Barca v. Inter... iBrah v. Eto'o, should be good.
Teams to Advance: Barca and Inter

Group G: Seville, Rangers, Stuttgart, Unirea (wtf?)

Surprise Team: Stuttgart (see Atletico)
Set to Disappoint: Seville (eh) There is not a clear choice here since Seville and Stuttgart are a toss up.
Best Match-Up: Seville v. Stuttgart... probably will decide who advances.
Teams to Advance: Rangers and Stuttgart

Group H: Arsenal, Standard Liege, Olympiakos, AZ Alkmaar

Surprise Team: Liege, because you have no idea what to expect. I would pick Olympiakos, but I despise them (thank you basketball)
Set to Disappoint: Arsenal, they have not been as good as before, though they dominated Celctic.
Best Match-Up: Alkmaar v. Liege... the Belgians are always second fidle to the Dutch in soccer, and they share a border, regional rivalries are always fun.
Teams to Advance: Arsenal and Alkmaar

September Games Not to be Missed

So yesterday I got completely hated on by folks in what I'm assuming is the Mountain time zone, and while this was a first for me to get so much hate on a blog post, it's a moment worth cherishing. However, I cannot dwell on yesterday and it is time to move on and perhaps annoy (or not) more people by picking some must see match-ups around the country for the first month of the season.

1st weekend:
Oregon @ Boise St. (Sept 3rd): The pride of the WAC shocked the Ducks in Eugene a season ago, will Oregon return the favor?
Navy @ Ohio St. (Sept 5th): Could the Midshipmen shock the Buckeyes at home who might be overlooking this game because of the lurking Trojans?
BYU @ Oklahoma (Sept 5th): As pointed out by the haters yesterday, this is a glorious match-up with a lot of pride and reputation implications.
Alabama @ Va Tech (Sept 5th): a top 10 match up on a neutral turf featuring the ACC's best and the SEC's second best.
Maryland @ Cal (Sept 5th): After the beating the Bears took on the East Coast, it will be interesting to see how they respond at Memorial Stadium.

2nd weekend:
Iowa @ Iowa State (Sept 12th): Honestly, probably not going to be too good of a game, but it's a rivarly game so all logic is out the window.
Notre Dame @ Michigan (Sept 12th): Same reasoning as the Iowa match-up.
UCLA @ Tennessee (Sept 12th): Can the Bruins win in a tough environment and erase the demons of the 59-0 thrashing at BYU? Can the Vols respond to their OT loss a year ago at the Rose Bowl? Will Lane Kiffin say something stupid? (probably)
USC @ Ohio St (Sept 12th): Does this even need a reasoning? Fine. This game is so hyped it's going to be shown in 3-D!!!

3rd weekend:
Boise St. @ Fresno St. (Sept 18th): The most marquee match-up in the WAC and two very solid teams. This is the only chance in league (except the Nevada game perhaps) for Boise St. to lose.
Cal @ Minnesota (Sept 19th): Will the Big 10 finally beat a Pac-10 team? Will Cal finally win on the road?
Tennessee @ Florida (Sept 19th): Cue up the bulletin board material and Tim Tebow's left hand (and his legs) and don't forget the stuffling Florida D.
Utah @ Oregon (Sept 19th): Will the Utes pull a Boise St. and win in Eugene? Can the Pac-10 rightfully claim itself the best West Coast conference once again? Will those silly Mountain West fans stop hating on my blog?
Arizona @ Iowa (Sept 19th): A chance for the Pac-10 to beat a Big 10 team again, or a chance for the Big 10 to win a game it's supposed to at home.
FSU @ BYU (Sept 19th): How will the altitude of Provo affect the 'Noles? Will Bobby Bowden be able to breathe at all? Can BYU beat a good team in the regular season?

4th weekend:
Miami (FL) @ Virginia Tech (Sept 26th): Can the 'Canes beat the elite in the ACC and return to their rightful place at the top of their conference?
UNC @ Georgia Tech (Sept 26th): Normally a solid basketball match-up, this football clash might also determine who is for real in the ACC.
TCU @ Clemson (Sept 26th): Will the MWC get a big win at an ACC school (even if that school is constantly overrated and underachieves)?
Cal @ Oregon (Sept 26th): Is this the game that will determine places 2-3 in the PAC or perhaps even 1-3? Who will the bandwagon Trojan fans be rooting for? And which mascot will win in a fight?

This Year's Most Overrated Conference

Year after year, the Big 10 has to be the most overrated conference of them all. I mean, when was the last time they won a big bowl game? OSU, Penn State, Illinois, and Michigan have had a tough time this decade to win anything. The exception of course is the 3OT thriller in the Fiesta Bowl (championship game that year) over Miami, and perhaps Wisconsin's Rose Bowl win on 1-1-00 over Stanford. Therefore, I find it way too easy to diss this "power" conference, and I need to move on to a different conference. The one that deserves the most "Are you kidding me?" reactions about how well it's top teams will do is none other than the... Moutain West. That's right, the same conference who's champion two years ago barely beat my beloved Bruins in the Vegas bowl by a point. Did I also mention how we were playing with a fourth-string QB? but I digress. Sure, a lot has gone on for the MWC that has helped build it a more reputable name. However, this preseason has been completely ridiculous. Without further ado (and more ramblings) let's examine each of their three ranked teams in order of rank:

17 TCU: The Horned Frogs had a very solid '08 season finishing with two losses, both to Top 10 schools, and had a nice upset of #9 Boise State in the bowl game. However, Boise State had nothing going for it except a win at Oregon, which while very impressive, cannot help you get a ranking that high. This year, 7 returning starters come back on offense and 4 on defense. The thing is, their defense was real good last year and let's be honest here, no way they can reload like U$C or any other big school.

18/19 Utah: Really? Sure they had a BCS win again, but the guy who led that team isn't back. Neither will their skilled positions with the exception of the TE position. On defense they return 7, but those are all guys that are good at best. This does not warrant such a high ranking. I honestly do not remember when a school with not that much talent, a new QB, and brand new receivers did well. Then again, the MWC is a mid-major, so good for them.

24/20 BYU: Just because their team is way older (silly Mormons), does not mean they are a top 25 school. Are they seriously better than Oregon State, Pitt, Illinois, and Texas Tech just to name a few? probably not. Yes, they will score a lot with Max Hall (pictured to the right) still taking snaps, but their defense is really thin and the fact of the matter is, how good has their recruiting been to replace a solid 25 team from a year ago? Just ask Big 12 teams not named Texas or OU about scoring a lot, and getting scored on a lot. Oh, and they lost to the Pac 10's 5th best team in the Vegas Bowl last year.

While I may be wrong about these three schools, the fact that the rest of the MWC is as good as Davon Jefferson's grammar, they have to beat the big dogs from other conferences to prove something. Also, notice how none of them really play the top 2 teams from other leagues. One match-up to watch though is when Utah plays Oregon, that will be fun.

UCLA Fall Football Scrimmage

UCLA Scrimmage –

The UCLA fall scrimmage occurred earlier today and I have to say, I still don’t know how we’re going to fare this season but I’m positive we’re going to win more than 4 games. Woohoo! What’s the basis for this assumption? We had several plays over 60 yards, including a nice 60-yard run by redshirt freshman Johnathan Franklin. Kevin Prince threw one interception, which is impressive considering that we were impressive in that category last year. The offensive line looked phenomenal in comparison to last year, allowing our backs to rack up 181 yards on 29 carries. Now, this in itself isn’t that impressive if these were the numbers that were produced during a regular season game, in fact, it’d be down right shitty, but the thing to note is that this is just a scrimmage. So what if we didn’t get 200+, 300+ yards rushing? That just means that our defense was able to hold our offense.

Wait; does that mean our offense sucks? I can’t really gauge that until we start playing other teams but we did score 23 points on offense and 7 points on defense. Our defense is bomb; we all know that, so lets enjoy the fact we were able to scrap up 30 points. Oh shit, does that mean our defense isn’t as great as it used to be? I can’t tell anymore. We need to play someone else beside ourselves.

I think the best part of the scrimmage is that Drake was filled up with a little more than 6,500 people. 6,500! For a scrimmage! This was the first time I’ve been to a scrimmage but I was amazed that so many people showed up. A vital part of any sports team is fan support and Neuheisel has done an amazing job of cultivating fan faith through his recruits, coaching staff, players, and by being a bad ass.

Dudes and dudettes, I can’t for football season to start.

Favre bringeth the Sanchez. Thanks a-hole

We've started pre-season NFL now, heading into the three day cornucopia of wonders that football brings fall: Friday night high school football, Saturday college football, Sunday-Monday NFL. Normally I would be beside myself with happiness having so much incredible televised entertainment to gorge myself with, but this season a big red flag waves over my excitement, particularly my NFL excitement.

His name is Mark Sanchez (known among some circles as The Dirty Sanchez). U$C's offensive powerhouse, now a Jet. Ugh...

My parents are both from Jersey and I grew up watching Jets football. I remember the glory days of Vinnie Testaverde. I remember learning how to say the word Testaverde. Since Testaverde, things haven't gone exceptionally well for the Jets. We had Chad Pennington as a solid backup who gracefully transitioned into Testaverde's successor after his retirement. Pennington was a solid QB who we were developing into a promising offensive weapon until....The Farve Experiment.

Before I got into how much I have grown to hate Brett Farve and lose any cohesiveness left in this post, let me say the following remarks just to get them out of my system. Brett Farve is a football legend who completely fucked up his legacy. I have infinite respect for this man. Some of my favorite sports memories came from the heydey of the 49ers - Packers/Steve Young - Brett Farve rivalry. Despite the fact I was a staunch SF fan (still am, come on 49ers...give me something to root for...) I had complete respect for #4. His legend and austerity are virtually unparallelled, putting him alongside sports greats like Michael Jordan, Jackie Robinson (UCLA alum bitches), Tiger Woods, et. al. And he ruined this austerity by coming out of retirement and playing for the Jets. Granted, I was pretty happy about it. I mean, the Jets were getting fucking Brett Farve!! While the rest of the country was like snarf snarf hrmmmm Farve coming back hrrmm snarf I was nodding my head while being stoked on delusions like Brett Farve leading the Jets to the Super Bowl. We all know how this story ended. Farve 'retired' and left a vacancy for the Jets at QB. Enter Mark Sanchez.

I have no idea how to feel about this. I loathe everything $C produces on principle of course, but now one of their stars is playing for the Jets - my oldest NFL team. It's forcing me to admit things like Mark Sanchez is actually a good quarterback that might turn the Jets around. But now when NFL highlights flash on Sportscenter, I'm going to have to take pleasure in Sanchez going 14-20 for 400 yds and 2 TDs. I don't know I can reconcile this. It's going to take me years to see Sanchez as a Jet. And what pisses me off more than anything is the fact that this unfortunate/fortunate happening in Jets football was brought to you courtesy of the imposition of Brett Farve. Without Farve, we would have had Pennington who is beating some serious ass these days over in Miami. With Weeks 1 - 12 Farve, we would have seen the Jets in the Superbowl in a couple of years. Instead we get the worst case scenario: a shitty Brett Farve, the loss of Pennington, and the arrival of the Dirty Sanchez. Thanks Brett. Now that you've pissed off the whole state of New York and the rest of the NFL, at least you can retire peacefully in Green Bay where the whole city worships you as a god. It's not like you did anything to ruin your legacy there. It's not like you came out of retirement to play for a rival team. I mean, the Jets and the Packers have no beef, so its all good. It's not like you came out of retirement to play for the Vikings or anything.

Oh wait.

Dude Looks Like a Lady (or the other way around)!

A few days ago in the World Championships in Berlin, a new fun controversy arose. Yes, it had to do with a great time shattering moment. Yes, it involved an athlete sporting Yellow/Green track suit. Yes, the maker of that suit is German. Yes, it is a dude. No, it's not Usain Bolt. I am talking about Caster Semenya of South Africa. Actually, to be politically correct, he's a she, or she's a he; one of the two. Let me clarify: the 18-year-old South-African dropped a ridiculous amount of time off her 800m race, and easily won the gold medal at the games. The problem is, that instead of pointing at steriods, IAAF officials pointed towards a gender test. Why? well she kind of looks like a dude. In fact, she looks A LOT like a dude (pictured on the right). A few days ago I was reading the Yahoo! Sports blog that covers olympics sports and people tore her apart for her manly looks. To me, she might as well be a he. The only defense is that she is a really ugly woman, which is essentially what her family has been saying the past few days. Here is the bottom line: she went through the gender testing outlined by the IAAF and because it requires about 5 doctors for different medical categories, the results won't be back for a few weeks. Until then, we can wonder if it's a he or a she.

Caster Semenya, a woman or man?

Woman

Man

rings

On Memphis, Calipari and Related Fiascos

On April 5, 2008 Memphis won the last of its NCAA record 38 games that season. That same day this sportswriter drank straight plastic bottle whiskey ‘til he forgot the game ever happened.

On August 20, 2009 the NCAA decided that thereby and forthwithstanding those victories would heretoafter be null and/or nonexistent. This sportswriter drank again to commemorate the occasion.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m no fan of Memphis and especially not one of John Calipari. Memphis frankly just needs to join a legitimate basketball conference. I mean even the SEC is a step up from Conference USA, albeit not a big one.

Anyway, in case you were wondering the reason Memphis had their entire season forfeited was that “an unnamed player,” whom the NCAA has named Errick-Day Ose-Ray for confidentiality reasons, knowingly had another person take the SAT for him to be academically eligible to play. This violation means that every game Errick-Day played in will be considered a forfeit. Let the festivities begin.

Admittedly I can’t hold a coach too responsible for the illegal and/or idiotic shit his/her players do. This is mainly because society considers these people adults and therefore individuals who are responsible for themselves. I wouldn’t, but I’ll take society’s word for it. The thing is that in Calipari’s case I have to admit things look a little suspicious after what I’ll call an “dodgy” career. Why dodgy? Maybe it’s because under his “coachingship” UMass had its tournament winnings vacated after one of his players accepted gifts from an agent (Arcus-May Amby-Cay). Maybe it’s because he’s known to hire coaching staff personnel close to key recruits so they’ll sign with him. Maybe it’s because he called a reporter a “f***ing Mexican idiot” while coaching the New Jersey Nets. Or maybe it’s because his son Damian bears the mark of the beast. Either way this guy hangs out in more shady grey areas than a mouse lodged in an elephant’s ass. Regardless of whether he was directly involved in this fiasco his lack of oversight is reminiscent of Bush’s supervision of FEMA after Hurricane Katrina.

I gotta say though, the infuriating thing about all this is the speed at which the NCAA brought the hammer down on Memphis. If they were this efficient all the time USC would’ve been demoted to Division III by now and Lane Kiffin would be shackled up in a basement somewhere watching a 24 hour a day reality show starring Tim Tebow, completely unaware that his wife gets more google hits than he does. Really though I have to assume that from the relatively groundbreaking speed with which this investigation closed Errick-Day must’ve handed in the evidence and filed the paperwork himself.

On a closing note as a UCLA fan (to put it lightly) this whole situation strikes home for me. Why? Guess who Memphis’s last win was against, guess who’s academically eligible players got shafted out of a chance to compete for the title. I’m not going to comment on the NBA’s new age requirements for the draft but I will say that if you can’t qualify for an athletic scholarship academically for a John Calipari team you have no business on a college basketball court, arguably any basketball court. It’s really that easy folks.

So thank you Memphis for crapping all over my Final Four festivities. Thank you John Calipari for never failing to be either slimy or more oblivious than Helen Keller in a firefight (too soon?). And thank you Derrick Rose (crap!), because now that this is winding down the NCAA can focus on what they’re good at, pretending to investigate U$C.

Cheers

A New European Super Football League?

According to the one and only, Arsen Wegner, within a decade a super league that will be more profitable than the current Champions League might come to fruition. He could not specify what sort of league it will be, and so it is time for my still somewhat jetlagged brain to imagine who would be taking the pitch in this ultra-posh (not the Spice Girl) league.

I feel like all the big teams need to be there and by my count that will make it a total of 10 from the top three leagues. Here is the breakdown: Man U, Liverpool, Chelsea, and Arsenal from England; Juventus, AC Milan, Inter Milan, and AC Roma from Italy; and Real Madrid and Barcelona from Spain. But who else should be in this league? I am going to say 6 more spots should be available for this ultra-exclusive league. Here are teams who in their current (and maybe past) state should be given a spot in a play-in home-and-away playoff:

Manchester City - The way they are spending you cannot let them in this league. They will do whatever it takes to be part of it.

Ajax - The most storied Dutch side should be given a chance even if they haven't been their old self like in the 1990's. Also, their fans love jews.

Lazio - Always near the top of the Italian table and have great name recognition.

Bayern Munich - Germany's most prominent team. The only reason not to given them an automatic bid is because they have somewhat struggled and the Bundosliga is not that great.

Rangers - The Scots are always tough and have a great fan following. They have great recognition and a potential match-up at any point against an English team will be amazing.

Celtic - See Rangers.

Marseille - Probably the only legitimate French team in a long time. Lyon has been really good too, and PSG has the name, but I have to give it to Marseille for now

Vfl Wolfsburg - Defending German champions and runner ups the year before.

Villarreal - They have been a huge pain in recent years to Barca and Real and in the process have built a great name recognition.

Atletico Madrid - Like Villareal Atletico have the name recognition and in recent years they have made a comeback into La Liga.

Fiorentina - Great name recogntion, good team, and they play around Florence. What's there to lose?

Dynamo Kiev - They have been really good for a long time, and are usually a sure bet to make the Champions League on a regular basis. Also, my roommate likes them, so I gave them the nod over the Greeks or CSKA Moscow (which can burn in hell for all I care).

A Pac-10 Preivew, Reggaeton Style!

I randomly listen to certain music from certain eras in my life. More often than not, I tend to listen to reggaeton as it reminds me of the glory days of the summer of 2005 and the subsequent school year, which happened to be my senior year in the magical (loose definition) town of Palo Alto. Thus, I shall use song titles of my favorite songs as mottos for each Pac-10 school for the upcoming college football season. To be honest, I have no idea where this will lead me too, but it sounds fun enough to find out!

NOTE: I usually have no clue what the song is about, but chances are it's about women and sex. Therefore all the songs are essentially preaching the same thing but in different ways; somewhat like football teams (minus the sex with women, atleast during gametime of course).

Arizona State: "A Fuego" - This Don Omar jam fits the Sun Devils perfectly. They will try to make some fire in the Pac as they did in 2007. They also play in Tempe, which just makes this title all the more appropriate for this team.

Arizona: "Hold You Down" - The Wildcats will try to finally defend people for a change and hold them down. This is especially important since Willie Tuitama is (finally) gone from Tuscon.

Cal: "Gasolina" - This team will be powered up by the Best, Jahvid that is. His "gasolina" will need to be burning efficiently for the Golden Bears to make a trip to the Rose Bowl in January for the first time in fifty years.

Oregon State: "Burn it Up" - This R. Kelly and Wisin y Yandel collaboration suits the Beavs well because they will be looking to burn the ground as the Rodgers brothers will try to wreak havoc. They may also burn the chances for other (projected) top teams' chances of making the Rose Bowl, just ask the Trojans.

Oregon: "Scandelous" - Cuban Link and Don Omar are probably talking about one of their hos, but the Ducks need to be a bit scandelous (though within the limits of the NCAA) in their schemes on the field and once again be on top of the Pac.

Stanford: "Otra Notche" - Plain and simple, Jim Harbaugh and Stanford will try to move on in the pecking order of the conference, thanks Don Omar for this message.

UCLA: "Mayor Que Yo" - Another amazing hit by Wisin y Yandel, Daddy Yankee, and a few others. The Bruins are young and talented (check out the last two recruiting classes), and the Bruins know about being the "younger" one, right Cal? Should be an interesting season as Coach Neu's bunch try to capture the hearts of the older fellas once again.

U$C: "Gangsta Zone" - This Daddy Yankee hit's title is pretty self explanatory. Nothing says gangster/thug/punk/gangbanger like mustard & ketchup in South Central.

Washington State: "La Tortura" - Shakira's smash hit from 2005 sums up how watching Wazzu play will feel like for it's fans: torture. This feeling was felt by the Huskies last year, but it's a whole new year and the Cougs are prime to claim this title.

Washington: "Lo Que Paso Paso" - Another Daddy Yankee fan favorite that talks about how what's in the past is there, and it is time to move on. While this could apply to a variety of schools, it is especially relevant for the Huskies.

You're killin' me Yahoo...

Dear World of Baseball and especially the Chicago Cubs Management,

First of all I want to extend my deepest condolences to the Cub’s Management. I know you really wanted to play professional baseball when you were growing up. But then sometime while you were picking daisies in right field during a little league game you realized maybe you weren’t cut out to be a big leaguer and settled for the next best thing. Only the joke was still on you because you ended working management for the cubs. So let me reiterate: I’m sorry.

That said, altogether now, just because some bum of a sportswriter on Yahoo Sports (no disrespect) thinks you should ban beer sales at Wrigley doesn’t mean you should actually consider it. Yeah some drunk “Chicagoian” person threw a beer at Shane Victorino while he was catching a fly ball. Yeah I agree it was tasteless. And yeah I know that me saying an act was tasteless is a rarity only topped by the Cubs’ World Series Titles. But still that doesn’t warrant taking away ice cold brews from the few poor schmucks who actually still root for baseball’s most forlorn team.

For those of you don’t know or don’t care the Cubs haven’t won a World Series Title since 1908. For a little historical perspective this was the year Henry Ford produced the first Model T, a 2 year old named Pu Yi became China’s new Emperor, and coincidentally also the year John McCain turned 50. The fact that this team still has fans despite a championship drought of over 100 years is nothing short of a miracle. Scientology requires less blind faith. If any of Major League Baseball’s legions of fans deserve beer it’s those brave souls who travel to Wrigley Field every year.

So they may get a little rowdy. So they may reach out onto a field for foul balls. So they may jeopardize their own team in the playoffs and crucify one of their own as a result (I believe in Steve). They deserve as much slack as they can get after this long. Their excuses ran out sometime during the Vietnam War; and for some reason they’ve blamed a farm animal for it. Maybe I’m crazy or maybe I just care.

Moral of the story is that you drink your beer with some class folks, and more importantly that you should save it for Manny. You never know when the next hops shortage will occur and no one wants to get caught flat footed and empty handed when a fly ball comes his or her way (oh come on, its not like he’s going to catch it anyway).

Cheers,
Me

The Scariest, Creepiest mascot in college sports

Oski of the Cal Bears

I remember my first encounter with Oski. I was a young, vibrant, attractive college freshmen playing alto saxophone in the UCLA Marching Band. We were playing Cal at their home and everything was going swell until I heard some screaming coming from near the tailgate area. After that I saw a brown and yellow figure sprinting towards campus being trailed by UC Berkeley Police. Abandoning my saxophone warmup circle, I searched for the source of the screaming which by this point had developed into low regulated sobbing and discovered that Oski the Bear had molested yet another 7 year old.

Okay, so some of that story didn't actually happen. But look at this guy. Look at that creepy and overexxxagerated grin. It's a trademark pedosmile - the sort of smile a pedophile gets sitting at a public park bench seeing kids having a water balloon fight. Look at that hunched back. He can't even stand upright. He has to stay hunched so he can target his prey - unsuspecting 7 year olds. Oski the Bear is a 80 year old pervert who assaults and molests young children. His strategy is so brilliant: what is more welcoming and fun for a small child than a big old nice bear. He has that Yogi the Bear vibe going: kind of awkward looking but loveable. Except whereas Yogi the Bear only delved into picnic baskets, Oski the Bear delves into the pants of prepubescent minors.

There isn't any reason that Oski the Bear has to be a pedophile. He's a bear. Bears are inherently rugged, manly, and awesome. How hard is it to fuck up a bear mascot for a college? Here's a mascot based off a bear that doesn't look like he wants to suckle on the lollipops of the young: Joe Bruin of the UCLA Bruins. Joe doesn't molest the young. Joe specializes in beating ass and eating young Trojans. Joe eats 4 to 5 Trojans a day in order to satiate his bottomless hunger. Sometimes Joe spices up his meals with the tears of silly USC students who sob mercilessly at night clutching their rejection letters from UCLA. Joe is often seen at UCLA sporting events using his bear pheremones to enrage the crowd and players against the opposite football team. Joe Bruin epitomizes everything a college mascot should be. When I see Joe Bruin, I don't think about shielding my kids from his gaze. I instead bring my (metaphorically speaking) children to Joe Bruin so they can sit at his knee while he teaches them how to be a badass.

Oski should be locked away and have to wear a GPS device from his ankle and live at least 3,000 feet away from a public school or park.

Joe Bruin doesn't like children unless they're upcoming UCLA students that he mentors or Trojan children that comprise his his diet. UCLA might borrow most of its iconography from Cal (including mascot, fight song, colors, even names of buildings) but this is always done because we show Cal where they fucked up and then illustrate how one can improve on it.
Joe Bruin is a stud. Fuck Oski, fuck Cal, go Bruins!!!

The Dumbest Frontline in Basketball

As you may or may not have heard, high school "phenom" Jeremy Tyler (on the right) will be taking his talent to a place known as the holy land. More specifically, he will play for Avi Ashkenazi at Maccabi Haifa for a nice salary of 140,000 dollars (one year deal). Maccabi Haifa's basketball club, unlike it's soccer one, has no real history and made it back to the top league in Israel last year where it did well reaching the finals in the State Cup and League Finals. The best part of this whole thing is that he gets to team up with none other then, wait for it... not yet...
but now: Davon Jefferson!
The same Davon Jefferson (on the right) that could not become academically eligible to play at UNLV so he enrolled at University of Second Choice (ironic), commonly known as University of Scandals and Crimes. This duo will surely comebine in the forward spots (though both are PF's but play along here), making what might be the dumbest frontlines in the history of international basketball. Tyler, a high school drop out from San Diego (where I will bet he never learned how to even spell SAT's), and Davon, who probably took the SAT's around as many times as Tyler's age (18) until he got the minimal score to make it to a "great" academic school. As an Israeli and an avid basketball fan, I cannot wait to see this pair in action. If I was a player on Hapoel Jerusalem, Galil-Elyon, or on Maccabi Tel-Aviv, I would simply trash talk by asking them the following: "What's larger? 2^2 or 2+2". This mathematically "challenging" query will clearly phase the aforementioned players and a turnover would soon happen. To be perfectly honest, I am sure that a 4th grader in Israel can speak English more properly than Davon or Jeremy, just google their names and read the horrible quotes! Should be a fun season in Israel, it's a shame I won't be there in person to witness the madness as Davon and Jeremy take on Maccabi Tel-Aviv and others.

And the Biggest Sleaze in Kentucky Is...

John Calipari. Just kidding, it's not. Had anyone asked me yesterday who I thought was the biggest sleaze to roam a basketball court sideline in the Bluegrass State, it would have been "Coach Cal". His recruiting habits along the years have been totally shady, not to mention paying for hookers for Marcus Camby while UMass. However, that shall be saved for another day. Today, we shall crown a new dirtbag of the basketball world in Kentucky. You may have heard about him, his name is Rick Pitino. To be quite honest, I never had anything against him until today, I was even a big fan of the white Colonel Sanders suit (pictured on the right). However, when a guy goes out and cheats on his wife, that's dirtbag right there. Add to the fact that he has five kids and it just worsens. Worst of all, he's a huge hypocrit. Why? he is such a "devout" Catholic that he sometimes has a priest travel with the team on their road trips to be his spiritual guidance. I wonder what kind of advice he gave him back in 2003 when this happened. I can only imagine the confessional session:

Coach: Umm father, I have sinned
Priest: How my son?
Coach: I had dinner with this woman who is not my wife, then nailed her on a table in a restaurant.
Priest: Oh wow...
Coach: That's not it... I got her preggers and paid for her to have an ABORTION, 3k it cost me!
Priest: You gotta be kidding me!
Coach: Hopefully this won't come to light

The funny part is that it definitely came to light when she tried to get a cool million out of him. Then after he reported her to the FBI, she accused him of rape (which I believe is false). You got to love how this whole story turned out. Somewhere out there, Syracuse, Marquette, and Georgetown fans are laughing their butts off. Don't be mistaken, the one having the last laugh in this whole thing is Calipari. He can now keep being shady in his recruiting because as unethical as that may be, it is not really as immoral as cheating on your wife and paying for your lover's abortion.

Bombs Away

In what some are calling the greatest creation since beer, a new beer-drinking game has come to life. I would say that those of us that took part in said epic game's first match less founded the game and more discovered it. It was just lurking, waiting for the right alcoholics to come around and introduce it to the world and barbecues everywhere.

The game of which I speak is, of course, 'Atom Bomb' (also known to some as 'Protect Your Hole' or 'Atom Ball'). The rules of the game are very similar to beer pong. Each team has a triangle of 10 cups which others are trying to make with ping pong balls. The differences lie in that there are 3 teams each at their own table instead of 2 teams at opposite ends of the table and there is a very small target in the center of each table as well.

Balls start with one team with the each player deciding a target to shoot on (either of the other tables). When a ball is shot at a table that team then gets to shoots that ball. Turns consist of 2 throws with balls back and triple cups applying (even if the turn consisted of 2 players from different teams shooting). There is 1 automatic re-rack at 4 cups. The strategy involved turns teams into allies and enemies quickly. It is essentially Risk meets beer pong.
There is one other twist...

ATOM BOMB:
The small target in front of each triangle of cups is called the "Atom Bomb". The target must be small and very hard to hit (like a small hole in the table or a shot glass). If an Atom Bomb occurs, that team must drink all their remaining beer and is out of the game. This applies whether the atom bomb was intentional or not (hence "Protect your Hole"). Every member of every team is required to take AT LEAST 1 shot at an opposing team's Atom Bomb every game.
Atom Bomb responsibly.

You Can't Teach Old Dogs to Love a New Vick

On July 27th Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated by the NFL and has reportedly wasted no time in not signing with a team. The man once stated to be “that guy who plays like that college kid Vince Young” is out of jail, back on the market and worth more than a rigged high stakes dog-fighting match (too soon?). It’s been two weeks people. The man needs work.



Now I’m not trying to condone dog fighting or any other kind of animal cruelty that isn’t funny but I for one want to see Michael Vick do what he was born to do: play a running back who happens to throw the ball occasionally (career 75.7 passer rating). And what better way to do that than by joining one of the following random teams I’ve compiled in this list.

Miami – Now I’m going to go ahead and be forthright when I say that I really have to idea what a wildcat offense is, nor do I really care to learn, but I do know that it would be an excellent fit for Vick. He’s wild and he hates dogs (I’m only getting started folks). Point and case. Plus there’s no way Miami will win the Super Bowl with a guy like Chad Pennington behind center. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but there’s no way some guy who looks like an inflated 14 year old can deliver the crucial fourth quarter, down by 5, last play of the game kind of speech (Pennington). You want a guy with a chiseled jaw, piercing eyes and a killer instinct for this dog eat dog world. Vick’s proven he’s got those in spades.

San Francisco – Perfect fit if I ever saw one. They’ve got a young exciting coach, a hole at quarterback (and the low expectations that come along with it), a receiving corps with a couple young budding receivers and a token wise veteran and a running back with Pro Bowl potential. Almost makes you forget about the fact that 90% of PETA’s membership (worldwide) resides within city limits. However, dodging the punches, cars, trolleys, boats and groups of roving vegan bicycle gangs might be exactly what Vick needs to get back into football shape. It’s not like the “dangerous” NFC West will throw anything worse at him.

Minnesota – Brett Favre’s off the table and hopefully sticking to Wrangler commercials for the next few years. Beyond that the Vikings’ QB situation looks as promising as a massive cave-in caused by Al Gore firing a shotgun one too many times (we all must stop manbearpig). Granted they already have an explosive running threat in Adrian Peterson making Vick slightly redundant. Still he would be a big step up from Tavaris Jackson.

Oakland – The Raider’s have both JaMarcus Russell and Jeff Garcia at the QB spot. So why would they need another? Because Vick is, as I stated earlier, not a Quarterback. But wait Mike! The Raiders already have running backs too! Yes I know, the Raider’s have a lot of things. Unfortunately a winning team is not one of them. At this point Al Davis should be willing to try anything. That’s not to say he can’t back up JaMarcus when Jeff Garcia realizes he’s way too old for this shit and would much rather fool around with his hot wife than be chased by hairy sweaty 300 pound men every Sunday. What’s better is that Tom Cable can flip a coin on the sideline each play to see which mediocre quarterback in his backfield should throw the next pass. Can’t be fired if you didn’t actually make the decision right? Right? Poor guy, has no idea, fail to give the Raider Nation a winning team and they throw you to the dogs.

Houston – To be honest here I just couldn’t think of a state where someone convicted of cruelty to animals could be forgiven faster. Not to mention their team sucks. Now technically they do need to acquire some defense if they want to be a winning team. Unfortunately they need a lot more than that to actually become one. So if anything they need someone/thing to bring fans out each Sunday and help them forget there’s no way the Texans are seeing a Super Bowl ring before the sea levels rise enough to engulf every team on the coasts. It’s hopeless. I mean every dog gets his day sure, but if he plays for the Texans all bets are off.

New Orleans – Seeing as Reggie Bush has turned out to be just as valuable as everyone else in the 2006 draft it might be time to re-evaluate his standing on the team, or more to the point his standing off the team…forever. Vick has a similar body type and what’s better is that he’s proven himself to be a decent professional football player; whereas Bush has only proven himself to be decent professional accessory to Kim Kardashian. And even she's planning on replacing him with a lapdog.

Tropic Thunder: Recasted

Recently my friends and I watched Tropic Thunder multiple times, and realize how great of a movie it is. To me, it really is underrated and was overshadowed last summer by other films. It got me thinking, what athletes (or sports personnel) would be great for this movie had the parts been re-casted? Below is my list of those who I think would make those great characters.

Kirk Lazarus: Tom Brady - look at the multiple academy awards as multiple super bowl rings. Though he hasn't changed skin color, he knows not to go full retard.

Jeff Portnoy: David Allen - he's an English rugby player (so he's a big guy), and he tested positive for cocaine, so he has that going for him. Josh Hamilton a few years ago would have been a fine option too.

Kevin Sandusky: Greg Maddux - seems like a total nerd, someone who would totally do all the work necessary to win even though he lacks the physical traits.

Alpa Chino: Cristiano Ronaldo - sadly he's not black so that comparison doesn't work. However, he's the most feminine athlete I have seen in a long time. Thus, he gets the nod as the closeted homosexual character.

Tugg Speedman: Peyton Manning - it took him a while to finally win the Super Bowl. He had basically everything else going for him before that, very much so like Speedman.

Damien Cockburn: Steve McClaren - he could not do anything in two years as the manager of the English national football (soccer) team. Just like in the movie, he could not do much with a cast full of stars. To be fair, any manager of this team in the last 40 years could easily qualify for this roll.

Four Leaf Tayback: George O'Leary - he completely lied on his resume when he got the Notre Dame gig (before they found out and booted him), hence he is a perfect match.

Les Grossman: George Steinbrenner - drops a lot of money, an asshole, really demanding. Mark Cuban might also work for this role. Only difference is that he hasn't had a winning product (aka won an actual championship).

Rick Peck: Brian Cashman - he was Steinbrenner's bitch, enough said.

A Tragic Death

Yesterday (8/8/09), a twenty-six-year-old Spaniard was found dead in his hotel room in Italy. As he was talking on the phone to his girlfriend in his room, he collapsed and apperantly suffered a systolic heart failure according to reports. Those reports came from the team the young man was playing for. Dani Jarque was the captain and defender for the Barcelona based club Espanyol. As a sports fan this type of event really seems to get to me. These athletes are supposed to be in prime physical condition, yet every couple of years (if not more often) there is a famous athlete that has a sudden death. If such a young, talented, and seemingly full of life man dies suddenly, what do us normal folk have to think about our own fate? To be honest, the chances of these fatalities are quite miniscule but whenever this type of thing happens, it is very hard not to sit back and reflect. I remember the day Darryl Kile died in a Chicago hotel room while he was with the St. Louis Cardinals in town to take on the Cubs back in 2002. Unlike Jarque, he was already in his 30's, but that is also way too young. Why does this happen to these guys? Is it going to happen to us? I hope not. It seems pretty natural that this might be forgotten and until the next tragic death occurs and once again we will begin reflecting. Then forget again, and so on. What we should do is remember this and make sure we take good care of our bodies and never overlook any irregularties. May you R.I.P Dani Jarque, you will not be forgotten.

The Most Academic Conference is...

The Ivy League, but we all knew that. The real question is which conference that excels at sports other then polo, crew, and the fan fave "who has the biggest house in the Hamptons?" is the most academically great. To establish the champion in this debate I decided to use the US News rankings. Though I am not the biggest fan of these rankings (since they give an obvious bias towards private schools), it is a good system and is widely accepted. So here are the numbers for each BCS conference (the other ones are a joke, seriously, they are):

ACC:
Number of Public Schools: 8
Number of Private Schools: 4
Schools in the top 25: 2
Schools in the top 50: 6
Average Rank: 48.25

Big East:
Number of Public Schools: 7
Number of Private Schools: 9
Schools in the top 25: 2
Schools in the top 50: 2
Average Rank: 51.29
SIDENOTE: There are also 2 unranked colleges here (Nova and Providence), and 7 Tier 3 which did not have actual rankings.

Big Ten:
Number of Public Schools: 10
Number of Private Schools: 1
Schools in the top 25: 0
Schools in the top 50: 4
Average Rank: 49

Big 12:
Number of Public Schools: 11
Number of Private Schools: 1
Schools in the top 25: 0
Schools in the top 50: 1
Average Rank: 86.50
SIDENOTE: OSU and Texas Tech are Tier 3 schools.

Pac-10:
Number of Public Schools: 8
Number of Private Schools: 2
Schools in the top 25: 3
Schools in the top 50: 5
Average Rank: 62.11
SITENOTE: Oregon State is a Tier 3 school

SEC:
Number of Public Schools: 11
Number of Private Schools: 1
Schools in the top 25: 1
Schools in the top 50: 2
Average Rank: 89.10
SITENOTE: MSU and Ole Miss are both Tier 3 schools

Now, here is the formula to crown the champion:

• 6 points for highest % in each category (and 5-1)
• -2 points for each school not ranked

Final Standings:
1. ACC - (17)
2. Pac 10 - (13)
3. Big Ten - (11)
4. SEC - (2)
5. Big 12 - (1)
6. Big East - (-4)

Most Ridiculous Coaches

This week, we have decided to discuss who the most ridiculous coaches are. Here is the video of Jeremy and I discussing it. Please VOTE below for who you think deserves this.

Who is the Most Ridiculous Coach?

Jim Mora Sr.

Herm Edwards

Dennis Green

Bob Knight

John Chaney

Tim Floyd

Dan Hawkins

Mike Gundy

Lane Kiffin

buy ugg boots

Attention 'LA Fans': Mimic the Mexicans (and also this kid)

A few days ago I was watching a CONCACAF Champions League game between D.C. United (USA) and Luis Angel Firpo (El Salvador). It was a pretty epic match, and it went into extra minutes and PKs afterwards. D.C. was able to scratch out a W when a Firpo player royally fucked up a PK by skyrocketing it 20ft over the crossbar. But that's not what I wanna talk about today. The thing that I noticed the most besides mediocre CONCACAF soccer was how freaking nuts the Firpo fans are. If you've ever watched any Mexican, Central/South American soccer games, you know what I'm talking about. They go apeshit for their team THE ENTIRE TIME. They bring drums and they beat the hell out of them all game, which for this match meant 120+ minutes. They also bounce and jump all game. Firpo wears white jerseys and while watching the supporter section I made a comment to my roommate: "So I guess to be a Firpo fan you need one of two things - a white Firpo jersey OR any white shirt that you can swing over your head" because literally the whole section was doing the latter. This is the sports culture than everyone needs to get in with. Some places have it, like the fans of the Oakland Raiders, Green Bay Packers, and most college teams, good examples being Michigan, Ohio State, LSU, Florida, etc. One place that doesn't have it is LA because here as a city we get crazy bitter and apathetic when things don't go our way and in sports it gives birth to the worst type of fan.

Los Angeles is the home of the 'LA Fan'. You may have met a LA Fan, for they are easily recognized by a telltale set of characteristics. These are: supporting LA Lakers, USC Football and at the same time UCLA Basketball and generally being the biggest bandwagon fan of all time. LA Fans claim to be diehard and loyal fans but this is a farce. At the first sign of a losing streak they stop going to games, talk a lot of shit on their former team, and basically become giant assholes. I hate LA Fans and you should too.

I hate to say, but I gotta call it like I see it. One of the thriving grounds for these LA Fans is of all places UCLA. That's right: we suck as fans, ESPECIALLY in football season. Ever watch a Big 10/XII game? Thats what fans are SUPPOSED to be like. Even when your team sucks, which our football team decidedly does, you never fucking give up. You drink more. You drink a lot. And you never, ever talk shit on your team. The more your team sucks, the more grounds you have to drink and talk as much shit as possible on the other team. This is what a good fan does. LA hasn't figured it out yet and it pisses me off.

College football is one of the greatest inventions mankind has come up with. When you're in college, nothing gives you more shit talking material than college sports. And since football is so awesomely violent, college football allows you to see your school literally beating the shit out of another school. What else could you possibly want? What isn't there to get excited about? Who cares if our football team sucks? Throw back some more brew and go pick a fight with a Trojan. That's a positive way to expel your frustration and guess what - it's also a lot of fucking fun.

I close with another soccer anecdote to give you something to work towards as we get ready to tailgate the shit out of the Rosebowl. Last summer I went to L.A. Galaxy vs. Chivas USA. For those of you who don't share my silly obsession with the MLS, this is a huge rivalry match because these teams are both based in LA and both share the Home Depot Center as their home turf. The fan base of each club is decidedly different. The Galaxy is the white middle class team and is a mix of diehards like me and a whole lot of LA Fans. Chivas on the other hand has a fan base of crazy Mexicans. Chivas' supporter section had all kinds of songs, they were up and bouncing around all game, had drums, and were drunk out of their minds. They made me want to trash my Galaxy gear and join up, especially when they starting sparking up road flares in the stadium. That was badass. I watched a fight break out in their stands when some Galaxy fans from the L.A. Riot Squad decided to go inform Chivas that they suck a lot of dong. Cops ejected everybody to the delight of the entire stadium.

In sum: don't be a LA Fan. Learn from crazy drunk Mexican soccer fans. They know how to have fun, and you probably don't. ESPECIALLY when it comes to UCLA!!!! You have no reason to ever back down while still attending college and going to games.

What do you get when you mix NFL players, Sobe, and computer animation?

Ok, first things first. I think it’s a perfectly normal and okay thing for any professional athlete who can secure endorsement deals to do so. Who am I to say, “Hey, buddy, do you really need to sign that urinal cake contract? Because I think you can pay for your pool without having millions of guys pissing all over your smiling face.” This is America, the land were product placement was perfected and corporate sponsorship pumps through the veins of many of our fine institutions. But a line has to be drawn somewhere and on the other side of that line is the Sobe commercial starring Ray Lewis, Matt Light, and Justin Tuck that aired during Super Bowl XLIII.

You might remember this commercial as the one where Lewis, Light, and Tuck start off doing ballet to Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake but then quickly dazzle us with their crunk moves when a lizard of sorts tastes a bit of Sobe Lifewater. I got nothing wrong with pro American football players exercising their rights to pirouette in front of America, in fact, I think it’s hilarious. They’re especially funny when they dance, which is all the time. What makes this commercial so ridiculous for me is that I just don’t understand what they were trying to go for here. Maybe Sobe really wanted to get their name out and what better venue is there than the Super Bowl? Still, the commercial is so absurd! Watch it and let your brain me assailed by the strangeness of it all! Why Ray!? Why’d you have to go and be turned into a lizard like that? Do you even like Sobe Lifewater? And why the hell are there characters from that movie I didn’t see in here!? WTF?!?!

I got alotta problems with you people!

Let’s talk tennis.

Why? Only because it’s the greatest sport since the Egyptians invented beer pong. Look it up.

Anyway tennis, I’m a fan. I still love baseball, basketball, football, futbol, and am even known to dabble in croquet. But tennis is and always has been my first love, which is why I take exception to anything, ever, said or done against it. The world is a cruel place, and it isn’t always very nice to tennis. So on that note bust out your festivus poles (it’s a Seinfeld reference folks) because its time for an airing of grievances.

What the world has done to tennis:

1. Crucial matches aren’t always aired live. The 2009 French Open men’s finals, in which Roger Federer was trying to tie the all-time record in grand slam titles was aired with a couple hour delay. The only conceivable reason this would happen would be out of worry Roger would flash a nipple ring while singing with Justin Timberlake during the halftime show. But two hours? Jesus I know his nipples are fascinating but after the first 90 minutes I’m pretty sure someone could turn off the camera.

2. Maria Sharapova isn’t playing up to par. Hot tennis players are awesome. But what’s the use if they drop out in the first round against some no name from Swaziland? She needs to stop doing commercials and being famous and whatnot and practice…for all of us.

3. Roger Federer’s “RF” warm up suits. I love Roger Federer, I’m Swiss, it’s a law. But I would love nothing more than to see the mid-level exec at Nike who proposed the idea of making those suits run over with 6 horse carriage. It’s pretentious, presumptuous and if I knew another long word that started with “p” I’d put that down too.

4. Why the hell do cartoons always depict tennis players playing with wooden racquets? Simpsons, Family Guy I’m looking in your direction. What decade were your cartoonists born in? Or more to the point which one do they think they still live in?

5. Their spouses are too hot. Hear me out! I love it when the camera pans to Brooklyn Decker during an Andy Roddick match as much as the next guy. But he hasn’t won a major title since they married. Yeah his problems started a long time ago but regardless Amerrrrica needs another champion. Look at Roger Federer, his wife is plainer than tofu and he could beat Jesus on a grass court.

6. Line Judges. Have you ever seen the machine they use to track ball movement if a player challenges a call? It’s amazing! Why isn’t this being used in every major match?

7. Its too hard to go pro. This is a personal one. I love watching two amazing players duke it out on center court for 5 hours but I’d love it more if I had had a legit chance at being one of those people. I played tennis non-stop through junior high and high school. But nowadays you need to start playing before you start breast feeding if you want a chance at being world class. Its not like basketball where you can dive into Kenya or Lower Mongolia and come out in 2 weeks with a some 7’6” behemoth who’ll be an all-star in 3 years. Tennis requires work, dedication and at least 20 years to hone your skills. I have none of these. Thanks world.

Big Ten (Eleven?)

The Big Ten (Eleven?)

As I harken back to one of my favorite movies (This is Spinal Tap), I notice subtle similarities between the two. This is Spinal Tap is a Mocumentry of an over the hill rock band trying to promote an album unsuccessfully. This parallels the Big Ten, a parenially underachieving conference that gains noteriety by its former success. Year after year we see Big Ten teams in major bowl games, and year after year there is an embarassing disaster. The teams are over the hill, playing with outdated offenses and recruiting like it is still the 70's. While we see a band who's music that is meant for a different era trying to play for an audience that don't want to hear it. In the end, the incorrectly named Big Ten (because it has 11 teams) is failing and is in need of paradigm shift. If no change comes comes, I guess its simple--"These go to Eleven"

Worst 5 Sports Moments for Me

Last night when I had over 3,500 songs mysteriously vanish from my ipod, I was pissed off. Clearly, it was not my fault for this stupid technical error. Such crappy feeling led me to think about moments where my favorite sports teams broke my heart and crushed my well-being. Below are the top worst moments of my life as it pertains to sports:

5. Detroit "sweeping" the Lakers in 5 games in the NBA Finals

The Lakers were coming in with a good looking roster, and what seemed to be a poised team to win a 4th title in 5 years (the Spurs won in 2003, as they did in every odd year from 1999-2007 except 2001). In the way stood an upstart and very talented Detroit squad ready to bring back a title to the Motor City for the first time since 1990. The result? total domination with the Lakers looking pathetic. Aftermath? Phil leaves, Shaq gets traded, Kobe gets hated.

4. Liverpool losing to AC Milan in the 2007 Champions League Finals

Had Liverpool not had won in the epic 2005 affair between these two teams, and FC Barcelona not downed Arsenal the following year, chances are this would have been higher. However, this completely sucked as Milan just dominated and won fairly easily. Perhaps the expectations for 2005 made this overhyped.

3. Maccabi Tel-Aviv losing to CSKA Moscow in the 2006 Euroleague Finals

Again, If this was to happen in 2004 (when they met in the semis) it would be #1 or #2 for me. However, Maccabi was the back-to-back champion and gunning for the first three-peat since Split did so in the early 90's. The worst part about this is the fact that losing to CSKA is the like the Yankees losing to the Red Sox in the playoffs or UCLA losing to U$C in the final four (who am I kidding, $c can't even make it past the Sweet 16), but you get my point. This rivalry was a highlight of the Cold War and the hate has never stopped. Losing in the finals to your most hated rival is never an easy pill to swallow.

2. UCLA losing in the F4 in 2007 and 2008

Had I been a student in 2006, I would have included that year too. Unfortunately, I was not. However, my first two years were filled with basketball magic. Sadly, both ended up with a national semifinal lost to a longer more athletic team filled with dumber players (Derrick Rose probably can't even spell SAT's). Each year brought hope until about 10 minutes into each game when I realized the dream will once again end a bit too early. No banner has been raised in Pauley for basketball in 14 years, and it is doubtful there will be another chance while I am a student here (one more chance). It is always great to have a team so talented and great, but it's always more painful to be so close and not win it all.

1. Giants lose to the Angels in the 2002 World Series

This is way to painful to talk about in details. To this day I can barely handle the heckling given to me by Angels/Dodgers fans, which is tough considering that's the majority of the UCLA student body. This is painful because we were a couple innings from winning it all for the first time in almost 50 years. Russ Ortiz got the game ball from Dusty when he left the game (6). Losing to the Marlins in the playoffs the next year didn't help. All in all, the Giants have the 3rd longest streak of futility in baseball behind the Cubs and Indians.